Breaking the Silence

I have Postpartum Depression (PPD). I'm currently trying to control it with medication and therapy. One of the things my therapist suggested was blogging about my journey. Here goes.

When I went back for my postpartum checkup I knew something wasn't 'right'. I'd felt drained and frustrated for weeks, beyond the typical new mom sleep deprivation. I talked to my doctor and he offered to put me on medication or let me talk to their therapist first. I chose therapy. After talking with her, she suggested a low dose of medicine to take the edge off. Within a week of taking it I saw improvement. My moods changed, I was able to get things done around the house, and I was bonding well with Faith. We talked about coping skills, things that I could do to help take some of the pressure off. At my last meeting, I set goals to accomplish in the next few years.

Everything was going great, but in mid-December something snapped. It felt like no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't control the thoughts and emotions anymore. I think it's because Christmas is such a hard time for me anyway, and we had added stressors of my step-dad being in the hospital. I couldn't get in the Christmas spirit, and I just felt more and more alone and depressed. My go to coping skills are no longer working, so I'm trying the ones I don't use often. Today I'm blogging. Tomorrow I'm going to set aside time to paint and Bible journal. I'm praying this is truly just a side effect of the holidays, but if things don't improve by the 14th I'm going to call my counselor again.

Everyone thinks depression is just a deep sadness. Many people feel you should just 'get over it'. Unfortunately, it's not that easy. I have moments of total joy. Looking at my laughing daughters, joking with them, spending time with them or Shaun all bring about feelings of happiness and contentment. For me, depression means I don't WANT to do ANYTHING. Go to the store? Maybe tomorrow. Fold the laundry (my favorite chore)? Probably never. Play with the baby? I just don't want to. I don't want to do any of the things I love to do. I was reading 8-10 books to Faith every day. When the depression hit hard I didn't want to read one. There were weeks where we only read 4-5 books. I didn't even want to read MY books. I can't tell you how many books I've set aside because my depression was keeping me from enjoying them. Reading is one of my coping skills, so when that was no longer effective I knew something was wrong.

My word for 2015 was JOY. I knew if I got pregnant, I would have to work to remain joyful. I knew if I didn't get pregnant, I wanted to choose joy without a baby. My word for 2016 is Focus. I need to focus on whatever I'm doing at the moment. I need to put aside Facebook and focus on my relationships; my relationship with God, my relationships in my family, and my relationships with friends. I've pushed most of my friends away since Faith was born, and for that I'm truly sorry. As I write this, I'm feeling led to take a Facebook Fast. I've done it before for short times, and I think it's time to do it again. I'm going to remove the app and messenger from my phone tonight. I don't know how long I'll break from it. So, I hope you and yours have a Happy New Year. May your 2016 be filled with unexpected blessings!

Breastfeeding Resources

This is my ultimate list of breastfeeding resources. If you're struggling on your nursing journey, read on! If you missed out on a great breastfeeding journey due to lack of information, don't feel guilty! You did your best!

Breast is Best:
La Leche League USA: This site has forums, resources, a store and so much more!

KellyMom.com: Pregnancy, breastfeeding, parenting, etc. This has been our go to site with breastfeeding questions.

Alcohol and Breastfeeding: No need to pump and dump!!!

Books about breastfeeding

Breastfeeding after a C-Section

Donating/Receiving breastmilk

Find a friend on the Breast Friends Facebook page and read all the files! There are more resources than I can copy and paste in the short time I have to blog. Find the Breast Friends Off Topic page and join that group, then ask someone there to join the Breast Friends group. Both pages are excellent resources!

To Blog or Not to Blog...

That is the question. I considered quitting after Faith was born. Why continue looking for a rainbow when we found ours? Her first few days home have been difficult though, and after an hour trip to pick up 100 oz. of donated breast milk, my mom encouraged me to keep writing. Maybe another mom is struggling in the same way, and maybe she can take comfort in knowing she's not alone. So if you want to keep following, please add your email to follow my blog. I don't think I'll post on Facebook anymore, as my friends see enough of my updates about our miracle. If enough friends want to follow on Facebook, I'll keep posting it there. Now, onto the adjustments...

We came home from the hospital Wednesday night. Faith woke up frequently, but Shaun and I felt pretty good the next morning. Thursday was uneventful, until that night when I realized she hadn't had any wet diapers. She was still struggling to latch, so I met with my lactation consultant on Friday morning. We tried a nipple shield and different holds, but our struggles stemmed from Faith's lip tie. She strongly encouraged me to have her doctor clip it. When I met with her doctor that afternoon and tried to explain our struggles, he completely brushed off the lip tie and tried to push formula. I refused, and he relented on the condition that we take her to a children's hospital if she didn't have enough wet diapers in 24 hours.

Poor Shaun fought with me Friday night. I desperately didn't want to supplement, because I supplemented with Hope and wanted this time to be better. Eventually he gave her a little bit of formula Friday night so I could get some sleep. I have never felt like such a failure. My colostrum wasn't enough. My body couldn't make enough to keep my baby healthy. As the weekend progressed, I remembered having similar troubles with Hope. That's one more reason we supplemented for a while with her.

On Saturday one of my friends hooked me up with a Certified Lactation Counselor. Jo Stein (click her name to go to her site) was the best thing that happened to us this weekend. She coached me through latches, encouraged me to prop myself up with pillows and get comfy for nursing sessions, and talked with me about my doctor and her personal experiences with him, taking away much of my "mommy guilt". She also hooked me up with a donor mom who gave us 100 oz. of breast milk! We met the donor Saturday night and brought home a cooler full of liquid gold. If you're struggling with supply or latch issues, find your local Eats on Feets group on Facebook. Every state has one, and the moms on there are 100% dedicated to giving away their overstock of breast milk. Like any online meeting, take someone with you to be safe. I can understand why some might be hesitant to accept milk from a stranger, but this is something Shaun and I researched heavily while I was pregnant and agreed would be the best solution for us. We actually planned on me selling or donating through a website, because I had such a surplus with Hope.

On Wednesday morning I FINALLY woke up to the full feeling of my milk coming in. It took just over a week, but now I know Faith is getting enough milk. She's finally having enough wet and poopy diapers. There have been moments when I'm overtired and stressed and want to give up, but she holds my finger while eating and looks so happy. Even when we were struggling, she would look up at me and smile when she finished. She's worth every struggle and every tear. If you're finding breastfeeding is 'natural' but not 'easy', don't give up! find a friend, a doula, or a lactation consultant to help. Now I'm going to sit back and enjoy the nursing cuddles while the laundry waits another day.

The Story Behind Her Name

Update on blood sugar: Because low blood sugar is Faith's only symptom, the doctor isn't as worried about it now. She has to have it checked every hour, and they're hoping to get it to 50 before sending us home. Right now it's at 45. We're nursing on demand and doing skin to skin to try to pull it up.

I knew when I wrote earlier I was forgetting something, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out what. While I was resting this evening I remembered I was supposed to explain her name, and I didn't. Sorry about that. Here goes: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe was always one of my favorite books growing up. I watched all three movie versions, and I read the book in fifth grade and loved it. Lucy was always my favorite character. Really, who didn't love Queen Lucy the Valiant? I considered naming Hope Lucy, but it means "light' or "spark" and that didn't feel significant to me at the time. Now I'm so glad I didn't, because Lucy's name means "Spark of Faith". How perfect is that for our Rainbow?! Shaun and I chose our children's names while we were planning our wedding. Originally we agreed to look at the baby before naming it. Shaun loved Lucy, but wanted it to be short for Lucille, after his great-grandmother. A few months ago, Shaun came home and pleaded his case for choosing a name in advance. He said since Lucy Faith means Spark of Faith, we should go with that because this pregnancy has restored our whole family's faith in God. How could I argue with that?! It didn't hurt that both girl names were names I chose. Early on I struggled a bit with Lucille, but I walked around the house all day saying it, and I thought about Lucille Ball, whom I've always referred to by her whole name. Eventually it grew on me. She's not going to be called Lucille, anyway. Hope calls her Faith, Shaun mostly calls her Lucy, and I switch back and forth. When she's older she can choose how she wants to be known. Any questions? Feel free to ask!

Meet Our Rainbow!

Lucille Faith was born at 4:27 this afternoon. 21 in. long and weighed a whopping 7 lbs 9 oz. And by the time I delivered her, the demerol wore off and I still had three minutes before I could have more! She's having a little difficulty maintaining a latch, so I'm talking with two lactation consultants tomorrow. Her blood sugar is lower than what they'd like, and the hospital pediatrician is encouraging us to supplement. I'm nursing as often as I can to avoid that, but please pray we can keep her healthy. Her birth was insanely fast. My mom ran to get Taco Bell for Shaun and completely missed it! Dr. Brown was a little slow arriving and almost missed it. One of my friends from high school worked at the hospital when Hope was born, and surprisingly she now works at the hospital where Faith was born. She came in while I was in labor and we talked briefly, and she planned on returning to help catch Faith, but she missed it too!

Faith is a heavy sleeper just like her dad, so it's going to take a while to figure out how to wake her up for feedings. With her low blood sugars I'm very worried about missing one. Sleep tonight is hit or miss. Of course Shaun is already passed out on the couch.

I was worried she wouldn't fit in all the small clothes we have, but it looks like those worries were unfounded. She feels so tiny! She's resting on my chest right now. I love listening to her breathe. Hope had the chance to hold her tonight and was dancing on air. She is absolutely in love! We all are! God has answered so many prayers this pregnancy. I'm forever grateful for my amazing friends and family who've been supportive along the way. I'm going to try to get some sleep before her next feeding. Thanks again!

The Final Update Before D-Day

I don't think I'll post another blog before Baby Girl arrives. I really don't see a need to. Something may change over the weekend, but I doubt it.

For the first time I had multiple strong contractions during the NST. It's always nice to see my body doing what it's supposed to. Her heart rate was good, and she passed with flying colors (as usual). Then she decided to show off during the BPP. She did everything she was supposed to in record time. She even let us get two (semi blurry) pictures!

I'm still being induced Monday, unless she decides to come on her own before then. My doctor is using a pill to induce labor. He said it could be as long as Wednesday before she's born, because she's not ready and I'm not dilated or effaced. There's also an increased risk of C-Section. Let me pause here and say I CANNOT have a C-Section. It's not happening. I've delivered all of my babies vaginally and I'm not stopping now. I am terrified of a C-Section for two reasons. 1) I refuse to have an epidural. I know too many people who've had complications, and it's not worth the risk. 2) My cousin died during a C-Section. No one ever explained to my family why she died. They're using her story as a teaching tool at our local community college, so someone must know what happened. Until I know, I won't have an epidural or C-Section.

I've had several prayers throughout this pregnancy. One is that this labor will make Hope's look hard. I was induced at 9:00 p.m. (same this time), active labor started at 3 a.m. and she was born at 6:12 a.m. For a while they had to wake me up to push! I had Ambien and Demerol in me and was practically asleep for the first few hours after she was born. It wasn't all roses and rainbows, but it was about as good as it gets for a first time mom. With William I was induced around 7 a.m. and labor started around 12:45 a.m. and he was born around 2:15 a.m. That happened exactly as my doctor expected for a late miscarriage. I really feel once labor starts my body knows what to do and just does it. I hope I'm right and this time is quick and relatively easy. Shaun has Tuesday and Wednesday off work, so if she's born on Wednesday he won't have much time with her and probably won't stay that night in the hospital. This is a huge concern for me. He had to work the day after William was born, and it was hard on both of us. Yes, that situation was a little different, but I still want him to have as much time with Baby Girl as possible.

Please pray for a safe and healthy delivery for Baby Girl and me. Pray for Shaun and me to be well rested when active labor starts. Pray for Hope and the family she's staying with next week. Pray that Shaun's mom can come for the delivery or shortly after. Above all, pray for peace for our family during labor and delivery, as well as the transition to a family of four.

One final note. Shaun insists if she's born in the middle of the night he won't text anyone the stats. I'm not sure if he'll post it on Facebook right away, or if he'll wait until a decent hour to contact immediate family before posting it. Don't be offended if you don't receive a text right away; I've tried to keep the list to five people or less. My mom will take pictures with my phone that I'll post in a new album when I have time. Shaun will take pictures with his and keep everyone informed when he has the chance. Thanks for all your prayers and support! Next time you see us we might be a family of four!

Needs vs. Wants

I have been trying so hard to purge our household of anything we don't need. I've tried to think of the baby registries as "wants" as opposed to "needs". Because of this, when people ask what we still need, I draw a complete blank. So today I'm reviewing all three registries and narrowing them down to needs and wants. Wherever I feel necessary, I will explain an item, because I know our needs are different from yours.

Baby Girl

Needs

1. Elastic or woven headbands to hold her beautiful bows (any and all colors)
2. Bins/Baskets 
1. One for diapering supplies 
2. One for bathing supplies
3. Two small ones to hold hats and bloomers
3. My glider from Edwardsville to get to her nursery (pm me for details)
4. Bassinet sheets
5. Med/Lg sleep sacks
6. Diaper changing pad for diaper bag
7. Avent NATURAL bottles, small size
8. Outlet covers
9. Pink step stool from Target (I chose matching ones for both girls so I can paint their names on them. This is a need for Baby because I need to use it to reach in the crib when we lower it.)
10. Under bed storage tote
11. Humidifier (there's a pink one we registered for. It's available at the Glen Carbon Target, and it's the best one I've found.)
12. Trash can for dirty diapers or diaper pail from Babies R Us

Wants

1. Toy hammock
2. Ottoman for glider
3. Shades for car windows
4. Mirror for back seat
5. Car seat guard (to protect Shaun's leather seats)
6. Car seat toys
7. Microwave steam sterilizer for bottles
8. GermX
9. Thermometer for bath water
10. Bath toy storage container
11. Temporal thermometer
12. WET Brush
13. Crib mattress pad
14. White hot spoons, bowls, etc.
15. CD player

Hope
Needs

1. 5 Shelf closet organizer (hangs from a bar and allows her to store daily outfits)
2. WET brush (She's been begging for one for a while. They're supposed to be amazing at getting out tangles.)
3. Pink step stool from Target (a need because there's still things around the house she can't reach. If both girls have their own, I'll always know who left it out).
4. Under bed storage tote
5. Closet organization kit 

Wants

1. Maleficent
2. Grace (American Girl books)
3. I Survived book series
4. Annie (new movie)
5. Wreck it Ralph
6. Big Hero 6
7. Brave
8. Toy Story movies
9. The LEGO movie
10. Muppets Most Wanted (and the first one)

Amie
Needs

1. Breast milk storage supplies
2. Ice pack for breast milk
3. Washable nursing pads
4. Company (though please text before you come over!)
5. Babies R Us and Target gift cards to pick up anything we've forgotten

Wants

1. Amazon gift cards for Kindle
2. Blue Gatorade
3. Snacks for power nursing sessions
4. WalMart gift cards for nursing bras/tanks

Shaun
Needs
Casey's gift cards
WalMart gift cards

Wants
Diet Dr. Pepper (so he can stay awake after Baby keeps him up all night.)

That's absolutely everything I can think of. If I've told you something that's not on here, know that I specifically didn't list it because I already told you. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm constantly asking for things; I'm just trying to figure out the most efficient way to let everyone know what we still need. Above all else, we need prayer in the coming weeks. Thanks for all your support!

Induction Date

Good news: I don't have preeclampsia! I'm relieved, because multiple miscarriages and gestational diabetes are enough complications for me. Better news: If Baby Girl doesn't come on her own by Thursday, I'm scheduled to be induced next Monday night. It looks like I'm just not meant to have the natural birth I've always wanted. As long as she arrives safe and healthy and I make it through safe and healthy, that's all that matters. We're all breathing a sigh of relief tonight and incredibly thankful to finally have a plan. That's all for now. By this time next week, we'll be preparing to have a baby!

Who's Timing?

1) Miscarriage
2) Stillbirth
3) Chromosomal disorder
4) Something going wrong during labor and delivery
5) The timing of her arrival (too early, too late, too whatever)

These are the top five things I've worried about this pregnancy. There are others (many others) but these are what have kept me panicking the most. Right now the hot button topic is when will she arrive? For a while we just wanted to make sure she stayed to full term. Now that we're within a week of that, we're all a little more eager for her to arrive. I'm counting kicks almost every waking hour. Her due date is on my weekend with my daughter, so I wasn't worried about her being there. Now it doesn't look like we'll make it that long, which brings up a slew of "what ifs". What if she comes between the 31st and the 4th? Hope will have to miss her first week of dance classes because there won't be anyone available to take her. While it may seem like a little thing and something that shouldn't bother anyone, it bothers me. I want this birth and the subsequent transitions to disrupt her life as little as possible. We all know having a baby changes everything, and there's going to be enough changes in her life in the coming years. Mama bear in me wants her to go to her first week of dance. What if she comes on the 28th? Who will take Hope to her dad's? My mom (her usual ride if I'm unavailable) will be with us at the hospital. Obviously Shaun won't be able to take her.

Something about yesterday's sermon hit me. I need to seek God's will, not man's. She will come when God's ready. Not when Shaun wants (yesterday), not when Hope wants (Christmas), not when I want (this week). God is still teaching me about his timing. He's still teaching me to fully trust Him. You'd think after everything we've been through I'd be there. Unfortunately, the sin of worry quickly creeps into my life. Often it's so fast I don't even realize it's happening. This week my prayer is that God will align my will with his. As I'm preparing for this appointment later today I keep praying for God's will. I'm praying to be content in all circumstances, even if it means a scheduled induction next week. As it is I'm not having the natural birth I wanted.

One last thing; I want to say thanks again to everyone who's helped through this pregnancy. Another sweet friend dropped off a swing and bunting for her car seat on Friday. A friend from church properly installed her seat yesterday. More friends have sent cards and gifts this week. We greatly appreciate each one. And I have a generous friend who has agreed to keep Hope overnight if the baby comes when she's with me. My family has helped organize and sent supplies we've asked for. Shaun's family is still sending clothes in various sizes. We're so thankful for all the help. I'm sure I've forgotten someone, but know that whatever you've done, no matter how trivial, we appreciate it. Thanks again for all the prayers, we wouldn't be here without them.

More News

My sweet aunt drove me to my appointment today. Everything went surprisingly well! Baby Girl cooperated for the NST and we finished the BPP in record time! She even moved her hands and feet from her face long enough for us to get multiple pictures. It looks like she's smiling in one! We can't wait to hold her and squeeze those chubby little cheeks.

Then I saw the doctor...

My blood pressure is normal. I don't have any other symptoms of preeclampsia except there was protein in my urine. So I have to do a 24 hour urine collection from Sunday to Monday. If that comes back high, I'm sure we'll induce on Monday. At this point, I don't really mind either way. It would bother me to carry another pregnancy risk, but as long as she's born healthy and I make it through, that's all that matters. If we meet her a little early, so be it. Otherwise we'll meet her sometime in the next week and a half or so. Continued prayers are appreciated.

BIG BLESSING!!!!
We had a baby sprinkle today from Shaun's work. They gave us a brand new crib and mattress! We're so thankful for friends who would come together and help us. Now Baby Girl has almost everything she needs. If you want to help at this point, Target or Babies R Us gift cards are the way to go. There's a few things we registered for we'd like to pick up, and with Babies R Us we continue to earn rewards after she's born.

Once again, thank you for all the prayers and support. We're anxious to bring home our newest princess!

New Due Date of Sorts

I finally talked with my doctor! I feel so much more comfortable with the situation. The NST and BPP went beautifully today. Of course, since she cooperated so well she covered her face with her hand, so we didn't get any new pictures. That's okay, in about two weeks she won't have a choice!

My blood pressure was back to normal, so I'm not being induced before Thursday. I say before Thursday because if it spikes at any point for the rest of the pregnancy, I'll be induced. If all continues to go well I'll be induced sometime in the 39th week. That's August 28th--September 3rd. I'm still on modified bed rest. I can go about normal activities, but I can't work or do any heavy lifting, and I have to lay on my left side for an hour each morning, afternoon and evening. Our bags are finally packed and ready to go whenever she decides to show up. My mom and Shaun would like someone to go with me to the remainder of my appointments, just in case they decide to induce. They're August 20th (10:30), 24th (10:00) and 27th (10:30), if anyone's available. I'm typically gone three hours or so. If you're interested, pm me. Thanks for all the prayers and support! A big shout out to Stacey for finishing the nursery today and Andrea for keeping my doctor in the loop with all my weekend problems. I can't say it enough, I have the best friends in the world!

Why We Raced Out of Church This Morning

My feet were swollen Friday and Saturday night. After seeing my Facebook posts about it, one of my friends (who works with my doctor) offered to take my blood pressure at church. When she finished, she looked at me and said "You're going to the hospital". She got Shaun and I took care of some last minute details in the church nursery.

At the hospital, I was admitted and they ran a series of blood tests and an NST. Baby girl was maneuvering away from the heart monitor and unhappy with the change in routine. I drank some ice water and used a small fan to try to cool down. I've felt excessively hot all day, and I'm normally cold natured. I was diagnosed with pregnancy induced hypertension and sent home on modified bed rest until Baby Girl arrives. I'm allowed to get up and cook meals, and I can sit on the couch or with my feet propped up in a recliner, but I'm not to do any work. So whatever isn't done now, isn't getting done before she's born. I'll see my doctor tomorrow, and he may order something different, but I doubt it. My plan is to continue doing what I've been doing since late last week; sleep when I feel tired and relax as much as possible. I can still drive, so I can continue taking Hope to and from school. Baby Girl will definitely be born sooner than later. With two complications I'm absolutely not going over 40 weeks. Continued prayers are definitely appreciated.

Baby Will Come By.....

Woohoo!!! This week has been AMAZING!!!! I've gotten a ton of work done around the house (just general upkeep, but still...), and I now know Baby Girl will arrive sometime between September 4th and September 10th (if she doesn't come on her own before then). My doctor said yesterday with my blood sugars the way they are he won't let me go over. YAY!!!!!!!!! My sugars are still excellent for GD, but I think it's a standard if there's any complications they won't let you go over.

Baby Girl is definitely her father's daughter. She was up and moving during the NST. She moved away from the heart rate monitor several times, but she was definitely active. By the time I went in for the BPP, she decided to take a little nap. She did everything they wanted her to do, except move. They spent about fifteen minutes poking and prodding my belly, pushing on her head, stomach, anything they could reach to wake her up. She wasn't having it. She was out COLD. Definitely Shaun's kid. With 30 seconds on the clock before we had to stop, she finally moved. I was relieved, because I don't know what my doctor would do if she slept through the whole test. Of course she was kicking away the whole way home. She took so long the nurses called down to see what was going on, because the doctor was waiting on me! How often does that happen?

She has a doctor! This has been a big issue, because Hope's doctor and the doctor I preferred both no longer take patients on the medical card. I desperately wanted to get insurance when she's born, but there's no way it's financially feasible for us. The cost would drop Shaun's take home pay to what he made as an assistant manager. There's no way we could survive. With ObamaCare I no longer feel any guilt or shame in being on state insurance, because pretty much everyone is on government healthcare. Baby Girl will see Dr. Morra with Right From the Start Pediatrics in Shiloh. It's in the same direction as Hope's dance studio, and we go there every other Friday to take her to her dad anyway. Hopefully we can work appointments around her schedule so we're not driving too much. There's only one pediatrician in our town, and no one's heard of her. There is a general practice, but no one I know who use it like it for kids. Everyone agrees to stay away from the pediatricians in Mt. Vernon.

A little update on what supplies she still needs. Please, before you buy or send anything that's not on the registry, ask Shaun or me if we need it. We've received several items from well meaning family and friends in the past few months that aren't practical for our family. Honestly if you want to buy her something the best thing right now is headbands we can attach bows to or gift cards. I know gift cards aren't fun to buy, but they're what we'll need when she's born. We do still have registries at Babies R Us and Target, so you can check there if you want to get an actual gift. There are several things there that we chose because of their functionality and ease of use. If you comparison shop and find a better deal on the same item elsewhere, go for it! We appreciate every effort, but want to make sure the things coming into our home work for our family. We are very limited on space, and we took that into consideration for every item we registered for. I don't want to sound picky or ungrateful, but I've worked so hard the past several years to declutter and downsize our 'stuff' and I don't want to be bogged down with baby items we can't use. She has the smallest room in the house, and we don't have a basement we can store things in. Thank you for all your help and support and understanding our predicament.

I think that sums it up for now. She'll be here sometime in the next three weeks. WOW! I better go pack our hospital bags...

So Close and Yet, So Far

Yesterday was an AMAZING day! My church threw a wonderful book & bow party for Baby Girl. She received dozens of each, and we can't wait to enjoy them with her. She now has enough bows to match every outfit. Too bad she doesn't have hair to go with them.

Baby Girl was measured at my BPP today. She weighs a whopping 6.3 lbs! I'm trying not to panic, since Hope only weighed 6.4 when she was born. I still have almost a month to go. To say I'm ready for her to arrive is an understatement. I'm bound and determined to have a natural birth, but if she keeps growing at this rate I may have to use demerol again. I asked the tech to check for hair, and she could only see a layer of peach fuzz. It's all around her head, but probably not enough for the bows she has. It's probably a good thing she has headbands, too. I'm looking for some more plain elastic ones I can attach bows to, so if you know where to find them, please tell me. At least this time she let us get a few pictures. She has the cutest chubby little cheeks! I absolutely love them.

Last week she misbehaved for the NST. Today she was a little better, but the tech still had to hover over her for a while. I was contracting on my way to the office, but they stopped by the time the NST started.

My sugars were good enough to keep doing what I've been doing. I was checked and I'm not dilated. I can't tell you how disappointed I am. I KNOW it's better for her to stay as long as possible; but knowing her weight just makes me so nervous. I'm afraid she'll get too big for me to deliver. I'm afraid if she's too big I won't be able to have a natural birth. More than anything, I'm afraid I'll have to be induced again. I don't want that. I want to know what it feels like to go into labor naturally. Pray for peace for me in the coming weeks, because the closer we get, the more nervous I become.

Here's the Update!

I'm sorry for any confusion my Facebook post caused. I'm NOT having the baby tonight (as far as I know!). Here's what IS happening.

Baby Girl is a healthy 5.5lbs. This makes me more than a little nervous, as her big sister only weighed 6.4, but God is in control. Her heart rate was a little low during my NST, but it wasn't with contractions and it did increase, so my doctor isn't worried. She was practicing breathing beautifully during the BPP. She's still head down, which is great! They think she has a few wisps of hair, but with the way she moves it's hard to tell. She let us get one picture before moving her hand completely in front of her face.

When I finally talked to the doctor my big concern was the low heart rate during the NST. He assured me it's nothing to be concerned about. I asked when I'll get to a point where they won't stop labor, and he said I'm already there! She could come at any time, and it's okay! This is HUGE!!!!! I'm absolutely terrified. We spent Saturday trying to clean and organize our bedroom to make room for her, and in the process made a huge mess throughout the house. I also have had severe pelvic pain since then, so my doctor put me on light duty and told me not to do any more organizing like I was. We have a VERY long way to go before the house is ready, so prayers are appreciated that Shaun will have the energy and time to finish it alone.

I don't have anything packed yet, so after dishes, laundry and basic housework that's my big goal for this week. Technically we have to pack four bags; one for me, one for Shaun, one for Baby and one for Hope, because she's going to be staying with family or friends while we're in the hospital. I have a plan and a backup plan for her. Once the house is ready and our bags are packed, Baby Girl can come. Until then, I really hope she waits. I'm absolutely terrified our house won't be ready in time. I feel like we've been so busy this summer, we just haven't had time to make it a priority.

Baby Girl absolutely loves music. We're watching the Buffy episode "Once More with Feeling" and she's dancing up a storm! I can feel her moving more frequently when we have any music playing. I absolutely love it! That's it for tonight. Hopefully there will be more good news on Thursday! I referenced this song when I confided my fears about never having another baby in a friend last fall. We're each expecting our second a week apart now! God is GOOD! I've heard it a few times this pregnancy, but thought I'd share it here tonight. Can't wait to hold our little bundle of JOY!

No, that's not her name.

Never a Dull Moment!

Today was my first day off all summer. I'm not even necessarily off on weekends, since I'm a mom and I work in my church nursery. I chose to spend the day Bible journaling, reading and watching Netflix. It was a great, quiet, refreshing time. Then Shaun asked me to go to the grocery store.

Everything was fine until I started walking toward the checkout. Suddenly I had excruciating cramps in my left side. I quickly checked out and went to my car. I sat for a few minutes to see if the change in positions would alleviate them. It didn't. I drove home and told Shaun we needed to go to the hospital. Cramping is one of the symptoms my doctor told me to come in for. I laid down on the couch for a few minutes while he asked more detailed questions about my symptoms. In the end we decided to have my mom drive me to the hospital so he could finish cooking dinner. It didn't feel like early labor, so Shaun felt okay staying home.

The beautiful thing is now we know exactly what to do when we go to the hospital. They checked me right in to labor and delivery, and my doctor was there in record time. I was thoroughly impressed, because all three times I went in with Hope I never once saw a doctor, much less mine. He checked me and determined I wasn't dilated, but assured me I did the right thing by coming in. He reminded me of the symptoms to come in for before ordering a non-stress test. They wasted no time in discharging me when the test was over. Overall it was an excellent experience. I'm relieved Baby Girl isn't ready yet and nothing was wrong. For the record, my doctor didn't say what could have caused the cramps, but I also didn't ask. I'll see him tomorrow and ask then.

When I called Shaun to update him, his first question was how the baby was. He called her by her middle name for the first time! Normally he uses her first, and even that he doesn't use often, but I could hear the anticipation and concern in his voice. It was so special.

Thanks for the continued prayers. I'll try to write a blog after my appointment tomorrow.

Two Updates (Including Baby Showers)

I had appointments on Monday and Thursday last week. Obviously I've gotten a tad behind on my updates. Sorry!

Monday was my second BPP and NST. Baby Girl was NOT cooperative for pictures, so we didn't get any. I hope this isn't a sign of what's to come. My doctor suggested a safe sleep aid, and I will try it if I ever remember to buy it. The biggest change is he decided to see me twice a week, after each BPP and NST.

Thursday I took Hope with me. I don't think she was too thrilled with having to go, but she loved seeing the ultrasound! Baby Girl put on quite a show of keeping her feet and her hands over her face, preventing pictures again. The tech managed to snap one, but you can barely make out her face under her foot. She's going to give us a run for our money, for sure! She's stubborn, stubborn, stubborn already! My doctor has switched from telling me to call and come to the office if I'm in labor to telling me to go directly to the hospital. I don't think he expects her to wait until September, either!

Baby Shower Update: My church is AMAZING!!!! If you're local and looking for a church, come check us out! I'm the nursery director, and I was told last week I can take at least 6-8 weeks off when Baby arrives. I've made arrangements beginning the last weekend in August, and I've already found a replacement director while I'm on 'leave'. The other (bigger) reason they're awesome is they celebrate EVERY baby born in the church. It doesn't matter if it's your first or your fifth, every baby gets a party. Since we're cloth diapering, Baby Girl gets a 'Book & Bow' party on August 23rd. Any friends or family who would like to come are welcome, just pm me and I'll tell you the details.

Welcome Baby: My mom is throwing a "Welcome Baby Girl' party on September 19th. I want ALL our friends and family who've prayed for us since losing William to have the chance to hold her. This is two weeks after she's due (so she'll definitely be there!) and before cold and flu season. If you went to Hope's shower, this will be at the same place.

We registered at Babies R Us and Target. Shaun did most of the registering at Babies R Us (so I apologize if anything REALLY weird is on there) and Hope registered at Target. I wanted her to pick out a few things for her room in case someone wants to buy her a 'big sister' gift. She also found some cute outfits and accessories she wants for her sister.

Thank you again for all your prayers and support on this journey. Baby is kicking hard right now and I can't wait until she's here. I keep saying i want her to wait until after the church shower, but I wouldn't mind if she didn't! I just want her to wait until Hope is in school. The two biggest prayer requests right now are that she STAYS healthy and that we're ready when she arrives. We don't have her room ready (not a huge deal since I don't expect her to use it for the first six months, but an inconvenience) and her co-sleeper isn't set up yet. I'm really starting to panic that nothing will be ready when she arrives.

Better Late Than Never....

First thing first, I'd like to apologize for the tardiness of this blog post. Hope's birthday was Thursday, I had two doctor appointments, and she had a swim meet. BUSY DAY! I'm going to try to keep updating the day of my appointments, but I can't guarantee anything. Here's a rundown of all the fun stuff that happened last week.

Tuesday: William turned three! I can't believe it's been three years since I saw his sweet face. Three years since we held him. Three years is a long, long time. I know I've just begun on this journey, but still. Looking at his 'twin' (my friend's baby girl born a month after he was due) I'm amazed again how much babies grow and change in three years. We always try to make his birthday a celebration, and this year was no exception. I planned on us baking cookies in my truck. I didn't plan on having the coldest summer on record with rain and clouds all week. We put the cookies in my truck, but in the end I pulled them out and we used the oven. The kids still loved them!

Wednesday: Typical day. Nothing noteworthy to report; other than I was becoming more agitated as Baby Girl's movements became less frequent and predictable.

Thursday: Hope's turned TEN!!! I'm still a little in denial over this one. I thought eight was tough (tween years! Yikes!) Nope, ten is worse. Way worse. I've been a mom for a decade. I don't feel that old! She handled it beautifully, of course. We had our traditional cake for breakfast. This year she chose an ice cream cake, which we shared with all the daycare kids. Initially she was irate I had to leave the festivities to go to the doctor, but when we pointed out she had VBS and a swim meet and wouldn't really miss me she calmed down.

Doctor visit: These are all supposed to be the same from here out. I had the BPP first. This is basically a specific ultrasound. Baby Girl has to make so many specific movements in 30 minutes. If she makes them faster, I move on to phase two sooner. If she doesn't make them, she loses points and my doctor will discuss it with me the next time I see him. I'm not sure yet what the plan is if she loses points, so I'm asking tomorrow. I mentioned to the nurse my frustration over not feeling her move as frequently, but when I watched her on the screen and realized how often she's moving and I just can't feel it, I relaxed tremendously. I still need to count her kicks, and if there's fewer than ten in two hours I'm supposed to lie down and drink water for half an hour. If she still doesn't reach ten, I have to call my doctor. So far a phone call hasn't been needed. Whew!

Phase two is the NST where they measure her heart rate and my contractions. She had a beautiful heart rate, as always. She passed both tests with flying colors. I'm eager for her to get here, but I'm still freaking out a bit because Shaun and I both have clutter we need to clear out before her room and our room is ready. We just haven't had time. His work schedule is changing constantly because his store is switching to 24 hours, and I'm so wiped at the end of the day I'm doing well to squeeze in family time. Not tomorrow, but the following Monday the kids all have VBS. Hopefully I can get my work done while they're gone. The absolute worst case scenario would be finishing it after school starts. That's the real reason why I want her to stay comfy and cozy right now. I'm not ready for her!

Big Things Ahead!

Well, this pregnancy has been textbook perfect so far, so I can't really complain that it's just now veering from the norm.

Problem: My after meal blood sugars are a little elevated. My doctor is not too concerned, but aware enough to put me on a pill to attempt to control them. He assured us we're doing excellent at keeping the diet and this is nothing to worry about. In addition to the pill I will have non stress tests twice a week, and here's the best part: We get to see Baby Girl TWICE a week! Two ultrasounds to add to our collection! My blood pressure is also a little elevated, another side effect of the diabetes. It's nothing to worry about, but the non stress tests are to make sure Baby Girl is healthy. I'm thankful for a doctor who is an expert in the field of gestational diabetes. I feel much more confident this time around. I understand it's not my fault, and I know we've done our best to keep her healthy. Thank you for your continued prayers and support as we go.

Praise Ye the Lord!

Hallelujah! I may have gestational diabetes, but I've learned to control it with diet! I don't need insulin!  Baby Girl is measuring about 3 lbs, exactly where she's supposed to at this time. She gave the ultrasound tech all sorts of trouble! She kept moving her face against me to prevent a good picture. Then she'd put a hand or a foot up by her face. The tech asked who she looks like, and all I could think of was my friend's daughter Savannah! No blood relation at all! I think it's a little early to tell, and I don't want to set my heart on her favoring one of us. She also has a little bit of hair! Hope had such a little bit when she was born I had to keep her in pink or in dresses, otherwise everyone thought she was a boy. Even though I want this princess to wear dresses as well, it would be nice if she had a head full of hair!

My next appointment is in just a week, mostly to review my blood sugars. Hopefully they and my blood pressure stay where my doctor wants them! So far, so good!