It's been two years since William was born. I've been thinking and praying about this post all day, and I'm sure it won't be anything like I planned. I say that because I planned a conversation with Shaun today, and it didn't turn out how I wanted.
What did I do today? I tried to make it as normal a day as possible. That was a dumb idea. I wish I could go back a few weeks and PLAN something. I now know I need to keep my mind busy on July 7. I learned today is National Chocolate Day, so hopefully next year someone will send me chocolates (or I'll raid Casey's the night before...). I also learned it's Psych Day, since Psych premiered on this day. Maybe next year we'll have a Psych marathon. Hope loves the show now, so it's possible.
Here's what I thought would happen: I would sleep in a little (check), take a shower (check), blast some music while catching up on dishes (check), head to the library (check) listen to some Sherlock Holmes (check) and hopefully finish a book before Shaun came home (nope). Then Shaun and I would go out to William's grave, maybe say a prayer or a few words, get some Tropical Sno and come home and cuddle.
I did not anticipate crying like a baby all morning, passing out to an episode of Enterprise, and arguing with Shaun. Emotions ran high today, and I apparently do not have the self-control I thought I possessed. I wish I could take away my desire for more children. I wish I knew how to wait for things that aren't tangible. I wish I had more patience. I desperately wish one of my friends called me today. I wish someone sent flowers, or a card, or even a text message to say they were thinking of me. I received a phone call from one family member last night, and one from one of her friends this morning. That's it. I can't really blame my friends, Shaun practically forgot last night. Still, it would've been nice to hear something...
I still feel so alone. It's completely my fault. I cry and cry and cry until I push away everyone who wants to help. I'm still stuck in a puddle of tears because I have no clue where God wants me to go or what I'm supposed to do. Since William died I've lost a job, gained a position in the church nursery, watched my husband grow leaps and bounds as a spiritual leader, and learned to wait and trust God. Well, I'm still working on the last two. I thought the first year was the worst, I didn't know how I would survive (I give all the credit to God & Shaun). The second year was worse in some ways, because everyone expected me to be 'over' it and was less willing to listen to me. Standing over his grave last year, I felt a total peace and was confident we wouldn't get pregnant again this year. I was completely okay with that. When my hormones would try to lead, Shaun and I would talk and my thoughts about not getting pregnant were confirmed. I didn't have that today. All I've felt today is a sense of urgency, and a fear that if I don't get pregnant this year, I never will. I know there's no truth in that. So instead of believing the lies, I'm going to spend each day working on one of the goals we've set before we try for a baby. There are six, and several I can work on by myself. I know we will have the right children at the right time. If all our names are used by family before we have the chance, oh well. We're so stubborn we'll probably use them anyway. If we only have one more and end up raising two 'only' children, oh well. Only children are resourceful and independent. If Hope is our only one, that's fine. We're doing the best we can with her. I have to remember 'not now' doesn't mean 'not ever'. Prayers appreciated this year.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
M.E.N.D.
I can't sleep again, so I've been scrolling through Facebook. One of my friends posted a picture of her stillborn daughter, and I paused, thinking it was an image from a friend who's daughter should be celebrating a birthday. No, this image is new. The grief is fresh. The friend is different. I know of at least four stillbirths in the last 20 years, and countless, countless miscarriages. I commend the brave women who post pictures of their precious babies, I can't bring myself to post any of mine. Maybe it's because William was so young, so tiny. To some he would barely look human, and I fear the criticism. Maybe it's because I've seen so many pictures of developing babies, and from his I don't think he looks 'normal', which would bring out other critics. Maybe I just don't want to relive the grief, or cause others more pain. Whatever my reason, I applaud the women who choose to post pictures. Thank you for doing what I can't.
Earlier this month I attended my first M.E.N.D. meeting. I hope to attend more through the years, and I'm looking for something closer to home to join. This group won't start a chapter in a town with fewer than 3 major hospitals, but I know there have to be other groups out there. I just have to find them. Talking about my experiences in a safe environment brought so much peace, even almost two years later. Hearing from women who are ten and twenty years out was incredibly encouraging. I wish I could start a group around here. Even though we're a small town, there's a large number of miscarriages and stillbirths.
I wish I could wrap my arms around each of the grieving moms I know. Some only carried their babies for a few weeks, others were allowed years to raise them. It doesn't matter how brief the life was, each of these children has made an impact. Each one is precious. If you know an expectant mom, take time to pray for & encourage her today. Let her know she's important. Let her & the dad know they are parents, even if their only child hasn't taken a breath yet. This Father's Day, take time to recognize all the important men in your life, not just the fathers. Miscarriage and stillbirth were taboo for many years, so chances are you know more men who've experienced it than you think.
If you buried a child without telling anyone, I want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Your child matters. Your grief matters. Your peace with their life matters. The next time you hear of a woman suffering like you, please tell her about your experience. She will find comfort in knowing you've survived so many years later.
Take heart, grieving mom, you are not alone.
Earlier this month I attended my first M.E.N.D. meeting. I hope to attend more through the years, and I'm looking for something closer to home to join. This group won't start a chapter in a town with fewer than 3 major hospitals, but I know there have to be other groups out there. I just have to find them. Talking about my experiences in a safe environment brought so much peace, even almost two years later. Hearing from women who are ten and twenty years out was incredibly encouraging. I wish I could start a group around here. Even though we're a small town, there's a large number of miscarriages and stillbirths.
I wish I could wrap my arms around each of the grieving moms I know. Some only carried their babies for a few weeks, others were allowed years to raise them. It doesn't matter how brief the life was, each of these children has made an impact. Each one is precious. If you know an expectant mom, take time to pray for & encourage her today. Let her know she's important. Let her & the dad know they are parents, even if their only child hasn't taken a breath yet. This Father's Day, take time to recognize all the important men in your life, not just the fathers. Miscarriage and stillbirth were taboo for many years, so chances are you know more men who've experienced it than you think.
If you buried a child without telling anyone, I want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Your child matters. Your grief matters. Your peace with their life matters. The next time you hear of a woman suffering like you, please tell her about your experience. She will find comfort in knowing you've survived so many years later.
Take heart, grieving mom, you are not alone.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Big Changes Over a LONG Time
I went to my women's Bible study tonight, and was blown away by how much my life has changed in the two years since I started going. I joined the group in January 2012, and I was a quiet, shy mom hoping for another baby. Tonight I left a little more outspoken (not necessarily a good thing) and CONTENT with the princess I have the pleasure of raising, and the two precious ones waiting for me in Heaven. I'm finally, FINALLY at a place of total peace. I don't feel the need to grow my family. I'm making peace with the scale, and I've made changes in my eating habits and exercise. It's been almost two years since I was pregnant, and it doesn't look like I'll have another baby anytime soon, and I'm completely okay with that.
I can see how God used William. William drew his daddy back to the church. William forced me to grieve over my cousins who died years before. Losing William led me to some dark places, where God found me and led me out. It allowed me to open myself up to new friendships, to pour my heart out to women I'd barely spoken to before. Losing William gave me a reason to stand up for the unborn, both those who are aborted and those who die of natural causes. We're participating in the March of Dimes again this year (please click the link and donate to our little team! Or join us in the walk!), I'm going to a miscarriage support group, and I plan on once again participating in our local pro-life walk later this year. Nothing major, just a bunch of little places where I can see God working.
As I'm writing, little thoughts of doubt keep running through my head. Easter is close, and that's when we found out I was pregnant. Will I be an emotional mess again this year? Will I still trust when I don't see the physical changes I want in my body, whether they're working towards a fitness goal or working towards a pregnancy? My answer: I am controlled by the Holy Spirit, not my emotions. I can trust that my Father has a greater plan for me, and he can use me even in my doubts.
This song is one of several we listened to while in the hospital waiting for William to be born. In 2008, Steven Curtis Chapman's adopted daughter was hit by a vehicle driven by one of his sons. She was killed instantly. About two weeks later my cousin's six-year-old son went to bed and never woke up. He was perfectly healthy and his death has been classified as SUDC. I probably would've followed Steven's family's journey through grief anyway, but I know I paid close attention after Evan died. I heard this song while I was carrying William, and cried singing it for what seemed forever. When we were in the hospital, I had to share it with my family there. I'm sure you've heard it before, but close your eyes and listen again. Keep on, we're gonna make it. It's just a long way home.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
The Next Chapter
Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted! There are reasons for that, but they're too personal to go into here. I do have a couple of updates I can share, though.
Shortly after burying William I began searching for miscarriage support online. I have several friends who were incredibly supportive in the days and weeks immediately following, but no one really knew how to help me beyond that. They prayed for months (some of them are still praying!), but they didn't really know what else to do. Their journey through grief was different from mine in so many ways. So like millions, I turned to the internet. I found M.E.N.D. at just the right time. Their bi-monthly newsletters were encouraging and just what I needed. Last month I received a letter telling me about a group starting "near" me in Schaumburg, Illinois. I live about six hours south of Schaumburg, but I have family who's lived there for decades and my sister is going to school there. I waited, prayed and talked to my husband before finally emailing the director. She graciously put me in touch with the head of the Schaumburg chapter. I emailed her at my first chance, but haven't heard back yet. I hope I can attend their first meeting and offer support and encouragement.
I feel blessed to finally be at a place of peace. I don't know if Hope will be our only child, and I'm okay with that. I'm exercising and eating less, trying to lose all my depression weight, but for once I'm doing it because I want to be healthy, not because I think it'll get me pregnant. I still follow several adoption blogs, and pray that if that's where God wants us he will open the doors. I don't know what God has planned, but I know it is perfect.
Shortly after burying William I began searching for miscarriage support online. I have several friends who were incredibly supportive in the days and weeks immediately following, but no one really knew how to help me beyond that. They prayed for months (some of them are still praying!), but they didn't really know what else to do. Their journey through grief was different from mine in so many ways. So like millions, I turned to the internet. I found M.E.N.D. at just the right time. Their bi-monthly newsletters were encouraging and just what I needed. Last month I received a letter telling me about a group starting "near" me in Schaumburg, Illinois. I live about six hours south of Schaumburg, but I have family who's lived there for decades and my sister is going to school there. I waited, prayed and talked to my husband before finally emailing the director. She graciously put me in touch with the head of the Schaumburg chapter. I emailed her at my first chance, but haven't heard back yet. I hope I can attend their first meeting and offer support and encouragement.
I feel blessed to finally be at a place of peace. I don't know if Hope will be our only child, and I'm okay with that. I'm exercising and eating less, trying to lose all my depression weight, but for once I'm doing it because I want to be healthy, not because I think it'll get me pregnant. I still follow several adoption blogs, and pray that if that's where God wants us he will open the doors. I don't know what God has planned, but I know it is perfect.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Looking to God
As I was praying and catching up on My Utmost for His Highest today, a specific memory came back to me. Here's the story:
Shaun and I were married in October 2010. I still had two months left of school, but figured I would surely finish, being so close. Less than a month after our wedding we both lost our jobs. The business we were working in closed. "For richer or poorer", we reminded each other. By Christmas Shaun was working at Casey's. Then he asked me to start looking for a job.
I was concerned, because I knew I was supposed to start working at a local preschool within the year. Who would hire me for only a few months? I didn't want to return to fast food, but I filled out all the applications. While watching Jon & Kate Plus Eight one night, I realized I could be a nanny. I began looking in the area we grew up, and within a few weeks I had a job caring for a three-month-old boy. They were preparing to move, so the job was never meant to last. As I grew to know the family, I began talking to the mom about my frustrations with not conceiving. It turns out she and her husband had to resort to fertility treatments, so she understood my concerns better than some. I remember the frustration mingled with the hope I had while holding their little boy. Day in and day out I watched him grow, and prayed God would bless us with one soon.
Looking back, it seems eons ago. I wish I could go back and tell myself "You don't know the meaning of the word 'wait'. Just hold your horses, you'll be shocked at what's to come." I realize that I've cried, begged and pleaded with God for three full years to bless us with a child. Three years. I've wanted to give up so many times. I've thrown away bottle after bottle of vitamins; I've watched fertility tests expire because I couldn't figure out how to use them; I've made baby registries only to have to shut them down. I've sent painful emails asking magazines and formula companies to stop sending their merchandise. I've waited, and I've prayed. I've thought "surely now" and "how much longer?" so many times. What I wouldn't give to have children three, five or seven years apart.... No, mine will be at least nine years apart. Looking back, I'm amazed at what God pulled me through. There is no other way I would've survived. I still can't believe I'm here.
In all my troubles, in all my waiting, I've learned to look to God. There are days when I don't think I can wait another minute, much less days or years. During those times I close my eyes and pray. I keep trusting that His plan is great. I know one day I'll understand. I hope someday I can look back and say it was worth the wait.
Shaun and I were married in October 2010. I still had two months left of school, but figured I would surely finish, being so close. Less than a month after our wedding we both lost our jobs. The business we were working in closed. "For richer or poorer", we reminded each other. By Christmas Shaun was working at Casey's. Then he asked me to start looking for a job.
I was concerned, because I knew I was supposed to start working at a local preschool within the year. Who would hire me for only a few months? I didn't want to return to fast food, but I filled out all the applications. While watching Jon & Kate Plus Eight one night, I realized I could be a nanny. I began looking in the area we grew up, and within a few weeks I had a job caring for a three-month-old boy. They were preparing to move, so the job was never meant to last. As I grew to know the family, I began talking to the mom about my frustrations with not conceiving. It turns out she and her husband had to resort to fertility treatments, so she understood my concerns better than some. I remember the frustration mingled with the hope I had while holding their little boy. Day in and day out I watched him grow, and prayed God would bless us with one soon.
Looking back, it seems eons ago. I wish I could go back and tell myself "You don't know the meaning of the word 'wait'. Just hold your horses, you'll be shocked at what's to come." I realize that I've cried, begged and pleaded with God for three full years to bless us with a child. Three years. I've wanted to give up so many times. I've thrown away bottle after bottle of vitamins; I've watched fertility tests expire because I couldn't figure out how to use them; I've made baby registries only to have to shut them down. I've sent painful emails asking magazines and formula companies to stop sending their merchandise. I've waited, and I've prayed. I've thought "surely now" and "how much longer?" so many times. What I wouldn't give to have children three, five or seven years apart.... No, mine will be at least nine years apart. Looking back, I'm amazed at what God pulled me through. There is no other way I would've survived. I still can't believe I'm here.
In all my troubles, in all my waiting, I've learned to look to God. There are days when I don't think I can wait another minute, much less days or years. During those times I close my eyes and pray. I keep trusting that His plan is great. I know one day I'll understand. I hope someday I can look back and say it was worth the wait.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Finding Blessings
Snow days are still one of my favorite things. The magical look on my daughter's face when she gets the news is priceless. Plus I only have one kid, so I try to treasure each moment (and it's easier to send her to her room on rough days). Maybe I'm still a big kid at heart. I love snow days. Thank goodness for Snowmageddeon (or whatever they're calling it).
My little princess slept in until 9 this morning. She's usually up around 7, even on weekends, so I checked on her twice before I finally woke her. We originally planned a Lord of the Rings mini-marathon, but she quit early. When we made the plans for today, I felt a rush of excitement and relief. Excitement to share one of my passions with my child, and relief that I only have one child. Occasionally it's nice to know you can plan a movie marathon, or reading session, or anything else and not have to worry about anyone else. It's just the two of us, so we can do whatever our hearts desire. Makeovers before bed? Sure, as long as you wash your face after. Surprise cinnamon rolls for breakfast? Might as well. Life is short, and I'm doing my best to enjoy it and teach her to do the same.
I've re-written this next paragraph at least three times tonight. Everything I type comes out wrong. I'm very thankful for the "backspace" button. There isn't a backspace in real life, and maybe that's a good thing. Looking back on 2013, there are many moments I would delete if I could. Even more in 2012, though not the moments you'd expect. I wouldn't change losing William. I wouldn't be where I am today if he were here. I still struggle with waiting. I know it's what God wants from me right now, but I feel so impatient. There are still days when I feel like I'm talking to the ceiling. "Can you hear me now? Because I don't think you heard the first 10,000 times I asked. When can we have a baby?" So I wait. And I look for the blessings. Spending time with my princess, writing love letters to my husband, cuddling my cats, living life. So many days I wonder if it's enough. I know I'm not patient enough. I wonder why God puts up with my rants. I wonder why anyone reads my blog, since I have nothing "new" to report. There's no baby, no vacations, no fancy home renovations. It's just a mom learning to wait on God. I'm thankful for everyone who takes the time to read, and I hope I'm helping someone other than just me. For months now I've felt led to share more about William on my blog. Friends and family know almost everything that happened, but I've been elusive in my writing. Maybe during our millionth snow day tomorrow I'll write about it. Until next time, keep waiting on Him.
This song is my prayer tonight. Build your kingdom here Lord, in our little home . Set our hearts on fire for you.
My little princess slept in until 9 this morning. She's usually up around 7, even on weekends, so I checked on her twice before I finally woke her. We originally planned a Lord of the Rings mini-marathon, but she quit early. When we made the plans for today, I felt a rush of excitement and relief. Excitement to share one of my passions with my child, and relief that I only have one child. Occasionally it's nice to know you can plan a movie marathon, or reading session, or anything else and not have to worry about anyone else. It's just the two of us, so we can do whatever our hearts desire. Makeovers before bed? Sure, as long as you wash your face after. Surprise cinnamon rolls for breakfast? Might as well. Life is short, and I'm doing my best to enjoy it and teach her to do the same.
I've re-written this next paragraph at least three times tonight. Everything I type comes out wrong. I'm very thankful for the "backspace" button. There isn't a backspace in real life, and maybe that's a good thing. Looking back on 2013, there are many moments I would delete if I could. Even more in 2012, though not the moments you'd expect. I wouldn't change losing William. I wouldn't be where I am today if he were here. I still struggle with waiting. I know it's what God wants from me right now, but I feel so impatient. There are still days when I feel like I'm talking to the ceiling. "Can you hear me now? Because I don't think you heard the first 10,000 times I asked. When can we have a baby?" So I wait. And I look for the blessings. Spending time with my princess, writing love letters to my husband, cuddling my cats, living life. So many days I wonder if it's enough. I know I'm not patient enough. I wonder why God puts up with my rants. I wonder why anyone reads my blog, since I have nothing "new" to report. There's no baby, no vacations, no fancy home renovations. It's just a mom learning to wait on God. I'm thankful for everyone who takes the time to read, and I hope I'm helping someone other than just me. For months now I've felt led to share more about William on my blog. Friends and family know almost everything that happened, but I've been elusive in my writing. Maybe during our millionth snow day tomorrow I'll write about it. Until next time, keep waiting on Him.
This song is my prayer tonight. Build your kingdom here Lord, in our little home . Set our hearts on fire for you.
Friday, January 31, 2014
When Getting Through is Enough
It's been a while since I've written. I know my last post was pretty depressing, so part of me was waiting for something really positive or inspirational to happen before I wrote again. My original intent in writing was to show a picture of what life is like when you're waiting on God, so not writing because I haven't heard anything is self-defeating.
So, what's it like to wait on God? Right now it's incredibly isolating. We've passed a few bugs around our house this year, and I have yet to go a full week disease-free. This has caused me to miss all my time in the church nursery, and miss my daily Bible study. I haven't been able to develop the workout routine I wanted, and my eating habits are just as horrible as last year (who WANTS to cook when they're sick?) I'm hopeful February will bring health and wealth, but I'm not holding my breath.
I know that I'm not the first woman to struggle with carrying a second baby to term, and I know I won't be the last. But right now all I really want is someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me it will be okay. I want a shoulder to cry on. I know I've needed that a lot these last few years, but waiting and continually not having answers is exhausting. Watching these friends arrange outings, those friends pop out baby after baby, and others disappear for their annual vacation while you're sitting at home cleaning house and attempting to make ends meet is frustrating. I've tried taking the occasional hiatus from social media, but that results in my missing out on important announcements. We don't know why I haven't carried a second baby to term. Yes, William had a chromosome disorder, but that didn't necessarily cause the miscarriage. Even if it did, by all estimates I should have conceived again by now. I know God is teaching me something right now, I just wish I knew what it was.
So until then I continue on. I keep going about the daily routine, putting a smile on as often as I can, and reminding myself THIS IS NOT THE END. She knows how her story will end, and she has her happy ending, but those ladies waited just like I am. Now, for today's mission: If you've experienced something that changed you; a miscarriage, the death of a parent. divorce; anything that left you staring at the ceiling asking "Why, God?" find a woman in your circle to share it with. Don't assume everyone knows, someone may not. Find someone who is walking a road eerily similar to yours, and pray with her and for her. Remind her that her story isn't finished. Send her a card or take her out for coffee once in a while. I know I'm not the only woman in the world who feels alone. Shed a ray of hope into someone else's storm. God bless and good night.
So, what's it like to wait on God? Right now it's incredibly isolating. We've passed a few bugs around our house this year, and I have yet to go a full week disease-free. This has caused me to miss all my time in the church nursery, and miss my daily Bible study. I haven't been able to develop the workout routine I wanted, and my eating habits are just as horrible as last year (who WANTS to cook when they're sick?) I'm hopeful February will bring health and wealth, but I'm not holding my breath.
I know that I'm not the first woman to struggle with carrying a second baby to term, and I know I won't be the last. But right now all I really want is someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me it will be okay. I want a shoulder to cry on. I know I've needed that a lot these last few years, but waiting and continually not having answers is exhausting. Watching these friends arrange outings, those friends pop out baby after baby, and others disappear for their annual vacation while you're sitting at home cleaning house and attempting to make ends meet is frustrating. I've tried taking the occasional hiatus from social media, but that results in my missing out on important announcements. We don't know why I haven't carried a second baby to term. Yes, William had a chromosome disorder, but that didn't necessarily cause the miscarriage. Even if it did, by all estimates I should have conceived again by now. I know God is teaching me something right now, I just wish I knew what it was.
So until then I continue on. I keep going about the daily routine, putting a smile on as often as I can, and reminding myself THIS IS NOT THE END. She knows how her story will end, and she has her happy ending, but those ladies waited just like I am. Now, for today's mission: If you've experienced something that changed you; a miscarriage, the death of a parent. divorce; anything that left you staring at the ceiling asking "Why, God?" find a woman in your circle to share it with. Don't assume everyone knows, someone may not. Find someone who is walking a road eerily similar to yours, and pray with her and for her. Remind her that her story isn't finished. Send her a card or take her out for coffee once in a while. I know I'm not the only woman in the world who feels alone. Shed a ray of hope into someone else's storm. God bless and good night.
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