That Time

If you've ever tried to conceive, you know the mixed emotions that come with That Time. For me it begins with the hormone fluctuations mid-cycle (I think that's when I ovulate, but who knows?) And ends about two days before my period ends. Until I see that dreaded spot of blood, I'm secretly hoping this will be it. A few times I've tried to convince myself I can still be pregnant, even with a late period. I really hoped this feeling of dread would subside when I accepted William's death. It hasn't. Every month I'm hoping, praying this will be God's time. Every month I feel we've waited long enough. And every time I remind myself we've just begun to wait. I know God has a plan. I'm trusting it's good. I just want peace with my irregular cycles, and I want the desire for a big family to go away. I really think we're just waiting, and that's why God has allowed the dreams of a big family to grow. If you have any stories of waiting for God's timing, please share them. I've barely lasted a year, how will I survive ten or twenty?