Doctor Update

For baby Thomas #2 we decided to try a doctor closer to home. This decision was not made lightly, my cousin died giving birth here a few years ago. I don't know if any of my doctors were involved with her death, but I'm trusting and praying they will provide the best care for us. One of my dear friends works in the office, and she speaks very highly of everyone there. Another dear friend is seeing a different doctor in the practice for her pregnancy, and she said ours delivered her first baby. This is a new pregnancy, the hospital was rebuilt within the past two years, and God is in control.

As for the appointment; it went wonderfully. The receptionists greeted us as soon as we walked in; the waiting area has toys for toddlers, and we didn't have to wait very long to be seen. The doctor was honest about his concerns about gestational diabetes and a chromosome 13 disorder. He ordered immediate tests for each. The chromosome test was a simple blood draw, but we had to stay an extra hour for a glucose test. The drink wasn't as bad as I remembered, and they have individual bottles. With Hope it was poured into clear dixie cups. This doctor is well versed in diabetes, and promised to provide dietary help should the test be positive.

We did not get to hear the heartbeat, he said it's too soon. I'm twelve weeks and two days, and I know many of my friends will disagree with his opinion to wait to hear the heartbeat. I asked, he said no. End of discussion. If you have a doppler I can borrow over the next two weeks, I'll be glad to let you listen with me. Otherwise, we're comfortable waiting. My due date hasn't changed, so that's good.

Two weeks from tonight we hope to post the first pictures of our precious little one. We'll have our first ultrasound then. I forgot to ask about when they schedule an ultrasound to determine the gender. I'll only be fourteen weeks next time, so we won't know then.

That's all my brain can remember tonight. It's been a long day; we had to make a spontaneous shopping trip and we had a random date night after our appointment. All things we won't easily be able to do when the baby arrives. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Don't be offended if I don't answer right away, especially on Facebook. I'm running a Jamberry party right now and when I'm posting for that I don't have time to chat. I will answer you as soon as I possibly can. Thank you so much for all the prayers! Hopefully I'll get a smartphone tomorrow and you won't have to wait so long for the next update! This picture is one of my favorites, it shows a baby at twelve weeks gestation.

Pregnancy Update: Week 11

With the current due date I'm considered eleven weeks. We are all so excited!!! I haven't fit in my regular jeans in three weeks, so I'm switching between a handful of skirts. I'm hoping to pick up one or two more this weekend, along with a couple of shirts to get me through the next couple of months.

How I'm feeling: Tired and nauseous. I'm tired most days, and baby seems to have days and nights confused. I can't fall asleep even when I'm exhausted, because I napped longer than I planned during the day. No matter what time I go to bed, I wake up between 2-3 every morning and am up for an hour or two. There are worse symptoms, though! The nausea comes in waves, usually in the morning because of my sinus drainage. We're planning on replacing my pillows and getting a better humidifier soon, so hopefully that will help. If you have an awesome or horrible review for either, please let me know!

My first doctor's appointment is Thursday afternoon. I did learn I probably won't have an ultrasound that day, but I should within the next week. We haven't been to one of these appointments in almost three years, so we're brainstorming important questions to ask. If you have any, now is a great time to let us know! This song, Don't Worry by Rebecca St. James, is my mantra for this pregnancy.

Thank you so much for all your prayers and support. I'm trying hard to take it easy and not stress, but that's very difficult for me. I'm so thankful for these weeks we've had to share our pregnancy with you. Keep praying!

Symptoms & Signs

So far my symptoms include:

• Exhaustion
• Hunger
• Nausea
• Cravings (mostly sweets; though I did crave pickles in December)
• Aversions (those pickles made me nauseous after eating them...)

And my outward signs:

• Obvious belly bulge. If we were trying to hide it, now it would be futile.
• Stretch marks!!!!! I've never been so excited to see stretch marks everywhere! 

The signs are like a breath of fresh air; a reminder this isn't just a dream. For the past week and a half I've felt like I'm walking on air; living a fantasy. I told a sweet friend who's prayed with me since we lost William today, and her reaction was "You're kidding? Oh my gosh you are pregnant!" Seeing her expression and reaction was just what I needed to remind me it IS real. I'm not just dreaming! I feel such relief tonight. It's sweet, because the last few days have been stressful and full of panic. I'm so thankful for everyone's continued prayers. I desperately want to say "I know this baby will be okay" but I can't believe it yet. I'm taking it one day at a time, and trusting God to protect it. I'm starting to exercise, I'm eating healthier, and I'm taking vitamins. I should see the doctor sometime this week, and we're praying to hear a heartbeat or see an ultrasound (or both!). Thank you so much for your continued prayers.

It's WHAT?!?!?!

My period didn't show up when it was due in mid-December. Shaun didn't want to test because my periods tend to be a little crazy. I was concerned because the app I use said I should have one, and the app isn't usually wrong. As the month went on I wasn't able to enjoy some of my favorite foods; egg nog (non-alcoholic) made me nauseous, the pickles I craved left me feeling sickly, and I was constantly nauseated. Shaun remained skeptical. By mid-January when Aunt Flo still hadn't showed and my symptoms were back full force, he was convinced something was off. 

I got an extra test from a friend and anxiously awaited his arrival home. I set the test on the counter and told him to watch it and tell me the results. I've seen enough negatives in my life. When I washed my hands I saw the first line, but tried not to get too excited. A few minutes later he came out and said "Well, it's what we expected." 

"It's positive?" I asked.

"Yup." 

Wow. Cue the dramatic music. I never in a million years thought this would happen. I was certain my baby-making days were over. Yes, everyone keeps telling me I'm young and have all the time in the world ahead of me. No, I didn't believe them. How could I, when we'd struggled for years to conceive with no logical explanation for our inability? Well, I'm a believer. 

I feel so much more confident with this pregnancy. With William I was constantly worried something would happen to him. I struggled everyday to choose joy. With this one, I'm overwhelmed with God's blessings. I can't believe He would love us enough to give us another chance. I'm so grateful, and feel confident this pregnancy will end with a healthy baby. I'm still praying every day for our health and safety, and I appreciate everyone who's praying for us. 

This song played on the radio the day after we found out, and it left me sobbing. It just totally sums up how i feel right now. Lord, I'm overwhelmed...

Smiley360---Mucinex

Last month I joined a site that promised to send FREE products to test. Boy, did they deliver! I received a full size bottle of Children's Mucinex Multi-Symptom Cold Relief, Berry Flavor. It arrived at the perfect time as cold & flu season just hit our home. My daughter tried it right away, and hated the taste. She doesn't like berry flavored things, though. I loved that it worked quickly and relieved her symptoms. I can't wait to tell you about my next product!

Want to join Smiley360? Click HERE.

Lessons Learned

This project has been wonderful for me. I didn't succeed in posting every day, but there's a reason for that. As I was writing these blogs I realized what an emotional toll it was taking on me. I left each post feeling spent. I couldn't bring myself to feel that way everyday for a month. So here we are at the end, and I'm wrapping it up by backtracking.

Day 16: Retreat. I truly took this day to heart and retreated for a while. I took a break from blogging, reading, writing, everything and just rested. It was definitely needed, and it's something I need to be more intentional about doing regularly.

Day 17: Explore: Where are you on your journey? I've put a great deal of thought into this this month. As I've been praying and working through it, I can see where I've grown and where I could use some improvement. Where I am today: I'm coming to grips with Hope being our only one. I can see how our losses have changed her and shaped her into the sweet, caring girl she is. I also see where our families have a tendency to spoil her in an attempt to compensate for her lack of siblings. I don't think any of us do it intentionally, but we've all done it at one time or another. Personally I've spent this month praying for peace with where I am right now. I'm trying to be comfortable in our little bitty everyone knows everyone town, I'm trying to accept that God doesn't want us to have more kids right now, and I'm trying to enjoy working at my part time job away from home. It's not in my field, it doesn't pay well, and it's not what I want to do forever, but for now it pays the bills. It's hard work changing your heart. It takes plenty of prayer and practice.

Day 18: Gratitude: I read Ann Voskamp's book 1000 Gifts and LOVED it! I really want the journal to help me do a better job of tracking my gratitude. Every day I'm so incredibly grateful God has allowed me to raise Hope. Being her mom is the most wonderful gift. I'm thankful for Shaun and his support through this. I know I'm not an easy wife on a good day, and our marriage has had more bad than good. This in turn makes me all the more grateful for our good times. One thing Hope and I have done for the past two years is a blessings jar. As often as we can we write down little things we're grateful for. At the end of the year we dump them out and write each one down in a journal. It's my hope that one day we can look back and see how many blessings we could find, even in the hardest years.

Day 19: Give: Shaun always drops change in donation jars. He donates to absolutely every cause out there. This week I noticed the March of Dimes jars at one of our gas stations. Since Carolyn died I've taken a greater interest in March of Dimes. Losing William just increased that tenfold. For the first time ever, Shaun didn't automatically drop his change in the bucket, so I quickly told him to. Then I briefly explained our MOD affiliation with the attendant, who smiled.

Day 20: Breathe: Last week I took two days off housework. I noticed I was getting exhausted and run down, and Shaun asked me to slow down at home and take some time for myself. The first day I felt uncomfortable letting the mess sit, but the second I was more relaxed and better focused at work. Of course by the end of the week those two days were affecting everything else, so Shaun acknowledged the need for him & Hope to help me more. We're discussing chore charts and schedules that we can all work around. It'll take some time, but we'll adjust to me working outside the home.

Day 21: Relationships: Grief has impacted every single relationship I have. For better or worse, nothing is the same. I don't really feel like I have a relationship with William. In fact, the thought of having a relationship with him sounds foreign to me.

Day 22: Self-Care: I really struggle with this, especially now that I work outside the home. I feel incredibly selfish if I take any time for myself. I think I'll talk to Shaun about it and maybe we'll do something special this weekend.

Day 23: Inspiration: Have your children inspired you in your life? Maybe it is someone you found because of your children that has inspired you. Share about who or what you draw your inspiration from. Living an inspired life is one of the greatest things you could ever do. Waking up feeling excited about my day is something that I never imagined would happen after our son died, but it did. I know today’s subject will not resonate with some people as the thought of waking up feeling inspired to be alive is one of the last things you are feeling. So if you feel you cannot take part today, maybe just have a look at what others are saying. It is my hope that this post might inspire some feelings in your own heart to start searching for some inspiration for your own life. 

I'm going to check out the website for some inspiration. I have nothing to say today.

Day 24: Forgiveness: Losing William allowed me to forgive someone I'd hated for years. That's something I never dreamed would happen.

Day 25: Mother Earth: Not participating. We don't own our home, so I can't plant a tree. I may look into the online sites that will plant a tree for you. That we might be able to do.

Day 26: Healing Ritual: Shaun meditates. When he first told me years ago I expressed interest in learning. Life got in the way and he hasn't been able to show me yet. I'll ask him to this weekend. Hope isn't here, and after this journey I'll need it.

Day 27: Express: Something I wanted to see this month: The chance to write a letter to our children. What would you say to them today? What would you say to the sibling that's here? How do you picture their relationship in the future? (There's an article I shared on Facebook about sibling grief. It's on Still Standing Magazine if you want to read it.)

Day 28: Wisdom: Keep moving forward. Even if it feels like each day is only a babystep, keep going. You're one step closer than yesterday.

Day 29: Reflect: What is your relationship with your grief like right now? I don't have as much jealousy as I did before. I still hate holidays, though, because I should have more children to prepare. It's not fair that others have so many and I only have one. When I think about it, I still struggle with anger at God for withholding the blessing of children from us. So I try not to think about it. I pray for my heart to change. Some days I feel it has, then other days something will trigger a whole new wave of grief. I have to remind myself I still have a year and one month in my twenties, I could have two babies before I'm 30! I don't think I will, but I have to remind myself anything is possible. My motto has always been "Hope for the best and prepare for the worst". In this, it is so hard to prepare my heart for no more babies or more losses. Each month I hope and pray this will be it. I'm praying for God's will and PEACE with whatever that is. I'm trying so hard to find peace where I am, and it's not coming at all, and that hurts. Holidays and special days I physically hurt from trying to be peaceful.

Day 30: Intention: I intend to honor my children through praying for a child their age. I know plenty of them, and I know their moms wouldn't mind me praying for them.

Day 31: Sunset: Picture Coming Soon!

Project Heal Day 15: Community

Day 15: Community--A Wave of Light

Obviously October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. What many people don't realize is there is one day set aside in the month to highlight awareness. That day is today, October 15. All around the world at 7:00 pm families lit candles to represent their children in Heaven. Though we're missing two little ones, we only lit one candle tonight. It's one more than we've ever lit before. This year is the first time I remember hearing about the Wave of Light. This community has been so wonderful for me. For months I turned to the MEND publications for comfort. Since attending a meeting in June, I've been able to reach out to others through Facebook as well. Our amazing leader was kind enough to send me flowers today in memory of sweet William. One of my cats has a flower obsession and kept jumping on the table to sniff (or eat!) them. I yelled at her twice before moving them, and Shaun promised her I would throw her out if she touched them. It was quite funny, since she's more his cat than mine. When I moved them to the top of our tallest bookshelf she glanced from them to me and back again before deciding to give up. I'm thankful they're safe for now!

Anyhoo, without this community I would be so lost. It's nice to be able to check Facebook once in a while and see other moms miss their babies. It's nice to read articles from moms who buried their children many, many years ago. It's comforting to know I'm not alone, and while the pain may dull from time to time, it never fully goes away. So often we see others carrying on and feel pressured to be as 'normal' as possible. It's nice to have those friends who understand when you just can't be 'normal' anymore. It's nice to let your guard down without fear of judgement.

On the flip side, I spoke with a friend today who didn't know me before William. This poor lady met me with tears streaming down my face, and she wrapped me in her arms many, many times that first year. She's held me up in prayer this whole time, and continues to pray for me regularly. Her friendship is so special to me, because it's proof that I can do 'normal' things like build friendships after completely losing my mind. As we were talking today, she continued to refer to my 'strength'. I don't see myself as a strong person at all! In fact, more often than not I feel very, very weak. I'm so thankful for friends like her who aren't afraid to push me farther and help me find my strong characteristics.

Now I know many of you reading this have never experienced a loss like mine. I know many of you never will. Praise God!!! I'm so glad there are women who will never feel my pain. If you're one of the lucky ones, please take the time this month to reach out to one of your friends who has lost a baby. If you don't think you have any, post something about miscarriage and infant loss awareness month, and I'm sure you'll find them. One in four women loses a baby during pregnancy. For decades women didn't talk about it, and were encouraged to 'move on' quickly. Let these women know you care. If you know their child's name, SAY it! If you can afford to, send her a card or some flowers (any day this month, it's never too late). Just let her know you're thinking of her and you care.

Thank you so much for all your support and prayers.