Earlier this month we finally celebrated William's birthday as a family. Hope expressed interest in celebrating him again, so we set a date on the calendar and did it. We planned to watch a movie and eat Tropical Sno. A few days before, Shaun picked up a special cheesecake from the grocery store. The night before we raced around to multiple Redboxes looking for Heaven is for Real (my suggestion), God's Not Dead (Hope's suggestion), The Amazing Spider-Man (Shaun) and The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (Shaun). We also grabbed Son of God to round off our movie weekend. We spent the better part of two days watching movies and celebrating. Shaun pulled out the cheesecake and placed two candles on it. We sang "Happy Birthday" and blew them out together. It was a wonderful, sweet time.
I'm still struggling with God. I don't understand why she can get pregnant, and she can, and she can have four babies she hates, and she can....and I can't. I'm completely terrified I've done something so horrible God will never bless us with another child. I made a new friend who also had two miscarriages (before having any children) and now has two daughters who are 20 years apart. Yes, TWENTY! In one breath I praise God for reminding me not to give up hope and beg him not to make me wait that long. When it comes to trusting God for another baby, I still can't do it. I'm still angry at him for taking William. I've seen him answer so many other prayers, but when it comes to giving us a family, I sincerely think my words bounce off the ceiling. Everything is changing right now. I know there are a million and one reasons why we shouldn't have a baby right now. I could also rattle off a dozen or more moms with more babies than they can handle, who also 'shouldn't' have had babies when they did. WHY DOES GOD TRUST THEM AND NOT ME??? What's wrong with me? Why does he make me wait? Doesn't he realize that every day, every month I wait I grow more and more impatient? I'm not growing closer to Him. I'm not learning to trust him. I'm lost and confused, and feel completely alone.
A few months ago on Pinterest I saw the quote "She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take." I feel like that's where I've been for the past two years. I've questioned my faith, my sanity, God's sovereignty, and every aspect of our lives. I've picked apart every detail, trying to figure out what God's thinking. I've prayed and 'given it up' time and time again, only to 'pick it back up' when my next period starts. This third year is already off to a bad start. One of these days it has to get better. There's sunshine somewhere, just not here.