Monday, March 24, 2014

Big Changes Over a LONG Time

I went to my women's Bible study tonight, and was blown away by how much my life has changed in the two years since I started going. I joined the group in January 2012, and I was a quiet, shy mom hoping for another baby. Tonight I left a little more outspoken (not necessarily a good thing) and CONTENT with the princess I have the pleasure of raising, and the two precious ones waiting for me in Heaven. I'm finally, FINALLY at a place of total peace. I don't feel the need to grow my family. I'm making peace with the scale, and I've made changes in my eating habits and exercise. It's been almost two years since I was pregnant, and it doesn't look like I'll have another baby anytime soon, and I'm completely okay with that. 

I can see how God used William. William drew his daddy back to the church. William forced me to grieve over my cousins who died years before. Losing William led me to some dark places, where God found me and led me out. It allowed me to open myself up to new friendships, to pour my heart out to women I'd barely spoken to before. Losing William gave me a reason to stand up for the unborn, both those who are aborted and those who die of natural causes. We're participating in the March of Dimes again this year (please click the link and donate to our little team! Or join us in the walk!), I'm going to a miscarriage support group, and I plan on once again participating in our local pro-life walk later this year. Nothing major, just a bunch of little places where I can see God working. 

As I'm writing, little thoughts of doubt keep running through my head. Easter is close, and that's when we found out I was pregnant. Will I be an emotional mess again this year? Will I still trust when I don't see the physical changes I want in my body, whether they're working towards a fitness goal or working towards a pregnancy? My answer: I am controlled by the Holy Spirit, not my emotions. I can trust that my Father has a greater plan for me, and he can use me even in my doubts. 

This song is one of several we listened to while in the hospital waiting for William to be born. In 2008, Steven Curtis Chapman's adopted daughter was hit by a vehicle driven by one of his sons. She was killed instantly. About two weeks later my cousin's six-year-old son went to bed and never woke up. He was perfectly healthy and his death has been classified as SUDC. I probably would've followed Steven's family's journey through grief anyway, but I know I paid close attention after Evan died. I heard this song while I was carrying William, and cried singing it for what seemed forever. When we were in the hospital, I had to share it with my family there. I'm sure you've heard it before, but close your eyes and listen again. Keep on, we're gonna make it. It's just a long way home.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

The Next Chapter

     Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted! There are reasons for that, but they're too personal to go into here. I do have a couple of updates I can share, though.
     Shortly after burying William I began searching for miscarriage support online. I have several friends who were incredibly supportive in the days and weeks immediately following, but no one really knew how to help me beyond that. They prayed for months (some of them are still praying!), but they didn't really know what else to do. Their journey through grief was different from mine in so many ways. So like millions, I turned to the internet. I found M.E.N.D. at just the right time. Their bi-monthly newsletters were encouraging and just what I needed. Last month I received a letter telling me about a group starting "near" me in Schaumburg, Illinois. I live about six hours south of Schaumburg, but I have family who's lived there for decades and my sister is going to school there. I waited, prayed and talked to my husband before finally emailing the director. She graciously put me in touch with the head of the Schaumburg chapter. I emailed her at my first chance, but haven't heard back yet. I hope I can attend their first meeting and offer support and encouragement.

     I feel blessed to finally be at a place of peace. I don't know if Hope will be our only child, and I'm okay with that. I'm exercising and eating less, trying to lose all my depression weight, but for once I'm doing it because I want to be healthy, not because I think it'll get me pregnant. I still follow several adoption blogs, and pray that if that's where God wants us he will open the doors. I don't know what God has planned, but I know it is perfect.