Thursday, February 6, 2014

Looking to God

As I was praying and catching up on My Utmost for His Highest today, a specific memory came back to me. Here's the story:

Shaun and I were married in October 2010. I still had two months left of school, but figured I would surely finish, being so close. Less than a month after our wedding we both lost our jobs. The business we were working in closed. "For richer or poorer", we reminded each other. By Christmas Shaun was working at Casey's. Then he asked me to start looking for a job.

I was concerned, because I knew I was supposed to start working at a local preschool within the year. Who would hire me for only a few months? I didn't want to return to fast food, but I filled out all the applications. While watching Jon & Kate Plus Eight one night, I realized I could be a nanny. I began looking in the area we grew up, and within a few weeks I had a job caring for a three-month-old boy. They were preparing to move, so the job was never meant to last. As I grew to know the family, I began talking to the mom about my frustrations with not conceiving. It turns out she and her husband had to resort to fertility treatments, so she understood my concerns better than some. I remember the frustration mingled with the hope I had while holding their little boy. Day in and day out I watched him grow, and prayed God would bless us with one soon.

Looking back, it seems eons ago. I wish I could go back and tell myself "You don't know the meaning of the word 'wait'. Just hold your horses, you'll be shocked at what's to come." I realize that I've cried, begged and pleaded with God for three full years to bless us with a child. Three years. I've wanted to give up so many times. I've thrown away bottle after bottle of vitamins; I've watched fertility tests expire because I couldn't figure out how to use them; I've made baby registries only to have to shut them down. I've sent painful emails asking magazines and formula companies to stop sending their merchandise. I've waited, and I've prayed. I've thought "surely now" and "how much longer?" so many times. What I wouldn't give to have children three, five or seven years apart.... No, mine will be at least nine years apart. Looking back, I'm amazed at what God pulled me through. There is no other way I would've survived. I still can't believe I'm here.

In all my troubles, in all my waiting, I've learned to look to God. There are days when I don't think I can wait another minute, much less days or years. During those times I close my eyes and pray. I keep trusting that His plan is great. I know one day I'll understand. I hope someday I can look back and say it was worth the wait.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Finding Blessings

Snow days are still one of my favorite things. The magical look on my daughter's face when she gets the news is priceless. Plus I only have one kid, so I try to treasure each moment (and it's easier to send her to her room on rough days). Maybe I'm still a big kid at heart. I love snow days. Thank goodness for Snowmageddeon (or whatever they're calling it).

My little princess slept in until 9 this morning. She's usually up around 7, even on weekends, so I checked on her twice before I finally woke her. We originally planned a Lord of the Rings mini-marathon, but she quit early. When we made the plans for today, I felt a rush of excitement and relief. Excitement to share one of my passions with my child, and relief that I only have one child. Occasionally it's nice to know you can plan a movie marathon, or reading session, or anything else and not have to worry about anyone else. It's just the two of us, so we can do whatever our hearts desire. Makeovers before bed? Sure, as long as you wash your face after. Surprise cinnamon rolls for breakfast? Might as well. Life is short, and I'm doing my best to enjoy it and teach her to do the same.

I've re-written this next paragraph at least three times tonight. Everything I type comes out wrong. I'm very thankful for the "backspace" button. There isn't a backspace in real life, and maybe that's a good thing. Looking back on 2013, there are many moments I would delete if I could. Even more in 2012, though not the moments you'd expect. I wouldn't change losing William. I wouldn't be where I am today if he were here. I still struggle with waiting. I know it's what God wants from me right now, but I feel so impatient. There are still days when I feel like I'm talking to the ceiling. "Can you hear me now? Because I don't think you heard the first 10,000 times I asked. When can we have a baby?" So I wait. And I look for the blessings. Spending time with my princess, writing love letters to my husband, cuddling my cats, living life. So many days I wonder if it's enough. I know I'm not patient enough. I wonder why God puts up with my rants. I wonder why anyone reads my blog, since I have nothing "new" to report. There's no baby, no vacations, no fancy home renovations. It's just a mom learning to wait on God. I'm thankful for everyone who takes the time to read, and I hope I'm helping someone other than just me. For months now I've felt led to share more about William on my blog. Friends and family know almost everything that happened, but I've been elusive in my writing. Maybe during our millionth snow day tomorrow I'll write about it. Until next time, keep waiting on Him.

This song is my prayer tonight. Build your kingdom here Lord, in our little home . Set our hearts on fire for you.