Sunday, October 27, 2013
This November is going to be an emotional struggle for me. November 5th marks five years since my cousin (and first best friend) left the world. November 15th it will be ten years since "My Jason" (our nickname for him) died. Oh and I turn 28 on the 16th. That puts me WAY closer to thirty than I would like. Needless to say I'm prepared for a roller coaster of emotions.
BUT, I'm learning to not let my emotions control me. So I've decided once again to try to spread the Gospel through kindness. Last year I wanted to do 27 random acts of kindness by the 16th. I had them all planned out, but most of my plans fell by the wayside when the bank account screamed "BILLS!!" It's not Christ-Like to give yourself into poverty, so I stopped. This year, I want to focus on telling everyone how much I love them & how thankful I am to have them in my life. I'm going to tell the kids I know that I love them, and Jesus does too. I'm going to (try) to be kind to everyone I meet, and look for opportunities to engage in conversation. I'm not gifted with the 'gift of gab', and talking to people I don't know is out of character for me, but I'm going to try. As we inch closer to the holiday season the cashiers and greeters will be overworked and overtired, and I want them to know they are appreciated. But for the grace of God, I would be in their shoes.
Now, my challenge to you: Be kind this November. Visit a kid in the hospital, Pray with someone in the nursing home, treat your cashiers and sandwich makers with dignity and respect. Take a moment and realize the stress level of customer service jobs (i.e. fast food and retail), and show compassion to the workers. Tell your family you love them, especially those related to you by blood. Show your children grace and mercy when they make a big mistake. But more than anything, remind them you love them. It may be your last chance.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
This is definitely not where I expected today's post to go, but I heard a story about a boy named Will, and was suddenly struck with longing.
Most of the time when I talk about William I reference the pregnancy or the miscarriage. I repeat our deepest desire: to raise a baby of our own. I haven't ever allowed myself to miss my son, because I didn't know him. Today, I'm giving myself that right. Today I'm going to imagine my life with all my children. Just once.
My second baby should've been born in the spring of 2008. I've always felt it was a boy, so for this conversation I will refer to 'him'. He would be in kindergarten now. I hope I would be homeschooling him. Maybe he would cheer for the Red Sox tonight, like his dad. Hope would love to tease him about that. Now the fantasy stops, because if I had him I might not have married my husband, and then where would I be? I'm thankful he's in Heaven waiting for me.
William should be ten months old now. I like to think he would be toddling around the church nursery, but with his chromosome disorder that's unlikely. Knowing that, I really can't imagine my life with him. I know I would be terrified. I don't know how I would do it. Ultimately I am thankful both my babies are safe in the arms of Jesus.
I know God has great plans for me. I'm trying to keep my focus on Him. I'm trying to trust His plans are greater than my dreams. Some days are just so hard, but He's always there to carry me through.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
So, you would think being unemployed would dampen my desires for a child. You would be wrong. I've been praying a lot this week. My husband and I prayed together, and some friends have prayed with me. We sang a song about Grace in church on Sunday, I think it was Your Grace is Enough, but I'm not sure. As we were singing I felt God saying "Why don't you trust me? Why have you given up?" I've realized I completely gave up hope for a family. I tend to prepare for the worst and hope for the best, so I've been preparing to be finished having children. I've told everyone in the last three months we're done. It's so much easier to believe we're done and hope God will provide a miracle than it is to just trust He will do it. I'm stepping off the ledge; I'm trusting God will grow our family. I don't have to live in fear. I don't want to live in fear. I know His plans are perfect, and whatever happens will work for His good.