Saturday, October 26, 2013

Weeping Forward

     Before I get too deep in my writing today I want to explain something. I began this blog a few months ago for myself, hoping that writing about my struggles would ease them a bit. I waited a few weeks before telling Shaun about it, because I really didn't want to make it a big deal. He immediately questioned why I wouldn't share it on Facebook. I explained I was terrified of being judged. I'm one to lay it all out there, and at times I've been pretty open about my struggles. This has brought a wealth of judgement on me. When you're dealing with fertility, judged is the last thing you want to be. After a few months of talking about and praying about it with Shaun, I finally relented. Feel free to go back and read my previous posts. I'm sorry if not telling you sooner offends you. 

My women's small group is reading the book Ruth: Loss, Love & Legacy by Kelly Minter. Last week was our first week, and we talked about weeping forward. Ruth & Naomi wept forward and followed God back to Naomi's homeland following the deaths of their husbands. As I was reading the first week, I wondered if I was weeping forward or weeping backward, or just standing still in my misery. After confiding in my girlfriends, I was amazed how many of them were supportive! I don't know why this always shocks me, they are the sweetest, most understanding women I know. Yet each time I come to them with a concern or fear, I'm terrified of being judged (I'm thinking that's Satan talking...). So many encouraged me to keep weeping forward, and to not lose sight of God. One encouraged me to recommit each day to Him, until He answers. I feel our answer for now is still "Wait", and waiting is hard on me. I tend to repeat myself while I wait. Maybe that's okay. God knows my heart. He knows my fears. More than anything, I know He has plans for me, and they will all work for His glory.

This week talked heavily about sowing in weeping. Galatians 6:9 says "Let us not become weary of doing good, for in the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." This is what I struggle with the most, especially when I don't hear from God. I want to give up. I want this "wait" to be a "no." If it's a no, I know how to work with it and can begin to accept it. "Wait" doesn't mean anything to me. Wait for how long? Wait for what? God is teaching me patience, and I'm learning to trust Him. When I struggle with doing the "right thing" even though no one is watching, I remember this verse. Don't give up. 

The other verses that spoke to me this week are found in Psalm 126:5-6

Those who sow with tears
    will reap with songs of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
    carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
    carrying sheaves with them.

As I've wept, I've tried to sow seeds wherever I can. I've been praying for the women I know carrying babies. I've prayed over the little ones in the church nursery countless times. I've prayed over the children I've cared for, my daughters teachers, and anyone and everyone the Lord has placed on my heart. Am I perfect? Not by any means! But right now there's not much I can afford to do, so I trust that God will hear my prayers and that will be enough. There are days when loving on everyone else's kids is just tough. I love them to pieces and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to love on them and pray for them, but I wonder why God just wants me to care for others, and won't let us have more of our own. I'm hoping this is just for a time, and someday we will look back on this struggle and praise God for working things out. Until then, I'll sow in my weeping and keep weeping forward. 

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