Thursday, February 6, 2014

Looking to God

As I was praying and catching up on My Utmost for His Highest today, a specific memory came back to me. Here's the story:

Shaun and I were married in October 2010. I still had two months left of school, but figured I would surely finish, being so close. Less than a month after our wedding we both lost our jobs. The business we were working in closed. "For richer or poorer", we reminded each other. By Christmas Shaun was working at Casey's. Then he asked me to start looking for a job.

I was concerned, because I knew I was supposed to start working at a local preschool within the year. Who would hire me for only a few months? I didn't want to return to fast food, but I filled out all the applications. While watching Jon & Kate Plus Eight one night, I realized I could be a nanny. I began looking in the area we grew up, and within a few weeks I had a job caring for a three-month-old boy. They were preparing to move, so the job was never meant to last. As I grew to know the family, I began talking to the mom about my frustrations with not conceiving. It turns out she and her husband had to resort to fertility treatments, so she understood my concerns better than some. I remember the frustration mingled with the hope I had while holding their little boy. Day in and day out I watched him grow, and prayed God would bless us with one soon.

Looking back, it seems eons ago. I wish I could go back and tell myself "You don't know the meaning of the word 'wait'. Just hold your horses, you'll be shocked at what's to come." I realize that I've cried, begged and pleaded with God for three full years to bless us with a child. Three years. I've wanted to give up so many times. I've thrown away bottle after bottle of vitamins; I've watched fertility tests expire because I couldn't figure out how to use them; I've made baby registries only to have to shut them down. I've sent painful emails asking magazines and formula companies to stop sending their merchandise. I've waited, and I've prayed. I've thought "surely now" and "how much longer?" so many times. What I wouldn't give to have children three, five or seven years apart.... No, mine will be at least nine years apart. Looking back, I'm amazed at what God pulled me through. There is no other way I would've survived. I still can't believe I'm here.

In all my troubles, in all my waiting, I've learned to look to God. There are days when I don't think I can wait another minute, much less days or years. During those times I close my eyes and pray. I keep trusting that His plan is great. I know one day I'll understand. I hope someday I can look back and say it was worth the wait.

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