Monday, March 24, 2014

Big Changes Over a LONG Time

I went to my women's Bible study tonight, and was blown away by how much my life has changed in the two years since I started going. I joined the group in January 2012, and I was a quiet, shy mom hoping for another baby. Tonight I left a little more outspoken (not necessarily a good thing) and CONTENT with the princess I have the pleasure of raising, and the two precious ones waiting for me in Heaven. I'm finally, FINALLY at a place of total peace. I don't feel the need to grow my family. I'm making peace with the scale, and I've made changes in my eating habits and exercise. It's been almost two years since I was pregnant, and it doesn't look like I'll have another baby anytime soon, and I'm completely okay with that. 

I can see how God used William. William drew his daddy back to the church. William forced me to grieve over my cousins who died years before. Losing William led me to some dark places, where God found me and led me out. It allowed me to open myself up to new friendships, to pour my heart out to women I'd barely spoken to before. Losing William gave me a reason to stand up for the unborn, both those who are aborted and those who die of natural causes. We're participating in the March of Dimes again this year (please click the link and donate to our little team! Or join us in the walk!), I'm going to a miscarriage support group, and I plan on once again participating in our local pro-life walk later this year. Nothing major, just a bunch of little places where I can see God working. 

As I'm writing, little thoughts of doubt keep running through my head. Easter is close, and that's when we found out I was pregnant. Will I be an emotional mess again this year? Will I still trust when I don't see the physical changes I want in my body, whether they're working towards a fitness goal or working towards a pregnancy? My answer: I am controlled by the Holy Spirit, not my emotions. I can trust that my Father has a greater plan for me, and he can use me even in my doubts. 

This song is one of several we listened to while in the hospital waiting for William to be born. In 2008, Steven Curtis Chapman's adopted daughter was hit by a vehicle driven by one of his sons. She was killed instantly. About two weeks later my cousin's six-year-old son went to bed and never woke up. He was perfectly healthy and his death has been classified as SUDC. I probably would've followed Steven's family's journey through grief anyway, but I know I paid close attention after Evan died. I heard this song while I was carrying William, and cried singing it for what seemed forever. When we were in the hospital, I had to share it with my family there. I'm sure you've heard it before, but close your eyes and listen again. Keep on, we're gonna make it. It's just a long way home.

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