Monday, July 7, 2014

Two Years?

It's been two years since William was born. I've been thinking and praying about this post all day, and I'm sure it won't be anything like I planned. I say that because I planned a conversation with Shaun today, and it didn't turn out how I wanted.

What did I do today? I tried to make it as normal a day as possible. That was a dumb idea. I wish I could go back a few weeks and PLAN something. I now know I need to keep my mind busy on July 7. I learned today is National Chocolate Day, so hopefully next year someone will send me chocolates (or I'll raid Casey's the night before...). I also learned it's Psych Day, since Psych premiered on this day. Maybe next year we'll have a Psych marathon. Hope loves the show now, so it's possible.

Here's what I thought would happen: I would sleep in a little (check), take a shower (check), blast some music while catching up on dishes (check), head to the library (check) listen to some Sherlock Holmes (check) and hopefully finish a book before Shaun came home (nope). Then Shaun and I would go out to William's grave, maybe say a prayer or a few words, get some Tropical Sno and come home and cuddle.

I did not anticipate crying like a baby all morning, passing out to an episode of Enterprise, and arguing with Shaun. Emotions ran high today, and I apparently do not have the self-control I thought I possessed. I wish I could take away my desire for more children. I wish I knew how to wait for things that aren't tangible. I wish I had more patience. I desperately wish one of my friends called me today. I wish someone sent flowers, or a card, or even a text message to say they were thinking of me. I received a phone call from one family member last night, and one from one of her friends this morning. That's it. I can't really blame my friends, Shaun practically forgot last night. Still, it would've been nice to hear something...

I still feel so alone. It's completely my fault. I cry and cry and cry until I push away everyone who wants to help. I'm still stuck in a puddle of tears because I have no clue where God wants me to go or what I'm supposed to do. Since William died I've lost a job, gained a position in the church nursery, watched my husband grow leaps and bounds as a spiritual leader, and learned to wait and trust God. Well, I'm still working on the last two. I thought the first year was the worst, I didn't know how I would survive (I give all the credit to God & Shaun). The second year was worse in some ways, because everyone expected me to be 'over' it and was less willing to listen to me. Standing over his grave last year, I felt a total peace and was confident we wouldn't get pregnant again this year. I was completely okay with that. When my hormones would try to lead, Shaun and I would talk and my thoughts about not getting pregnant were confirmed. I didn't have that today. All I've felt today is a sense of urgency, and a fear that if I don't get pregnant this year, I never will. I know there's no truth in that. So instead of believing the lies, I'm going to spend each day working on one of the goals we've set before we try for a baby. There are six, and several I can work on by myself. I know we will have the right children at the right time. If all our names are used by family before we have the chance, oh well. We're so stubborn we'll probably use them anyway. If we only have one more and end up raising two 'only' children, oh well. Only children are resourceful and independent. If Hope is our only one, that's fine. We're doing the best we can with her. I have to remember 'not now' doesn't mean 'not ever'. Prayers appreciated this year.

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