Thursday, December 26, 2013

Hey Look, I Found a Rainbow

Not what you were expecting? Well, it wasn't what I was expecting, either. I saw this new magnet on Grandma Jo's fridge, and I had to smile. God DOES keep His promises! 

Isaiah 41:10 NIV
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I was searching for a verse this morning, and I think it's worded differently in another version than the two I have, so I was getting frustrated when I couldn't find the wording I want in the NIV or ESV. As I was searching my eyes caught this verse, and I think it is almost better suited for what I wanted to say today.

When we lost William, my world fell apart. I lived in a shadow for months. Looking back, it was the grace of God that allowed me to function and keep putting one foot in front of the other. There were days (early on) when I was thankful breathing is natural, because if I needed to remember it I would probably be dead. Or I would just give up. They say there is nothing worse than burying a child. Thankfully this was the closes I've come, but I'm confident "they" are right. 

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE I know who suffered a late miscarriage was able to conceive within the first four months following. They all kept telling me how confident they were we would have another baby, how they wouldn't have this child if they hadn't lost that one, and how everything would work out. I want to thank those people for taking a devastating situation and making it so much worse. I know they had the best intentions. I know they were just trying to comfort me. What they didn't understand was I only had two desires growing up: To have a large family and to have kids closer in age than my sister and me (eight and a half years). With each month, my chances of having both those dreams dwindled. While I'm hopeful that God will allow us to conceive and carry another baby to term, only HE knows how our story will end. I know the doctors insist there is nothing wrong and we should be able to have another child with no troubles, but even they don't know when it will happen.

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. (Romans 8:26-30)

The Spirit carried me through last year. Many times I prayed "God, I just don't have the words. Please listen to my heart." I was so broken. In the weeks before we learned of my pregnancy with William I posted Romans 8:28 on our bathroom mirror.  When I couldn't stand not being pregnant, I prayed that verse asking God to work my situation. When I finally tested positive, I was sure it was God saying "YES! Here's the baby you've been praying for." Little did I know a few months later those verses would be read over my son's grave. 

Infertility is a difficult experience. Even now my husband and I disagree with what to call our situation. Webster defines it as "not able to reproduce, not able to reproduce children, animals, etc." I have a child, so according to Shaun I'm not infertile. What I've tried to explain to him is that my experience is similar to secondary infertility, but still not the same. There isn't a word for what I struggle with. I would define it as "difficulty carrying a second baby to term." There's nothing that fits that description. We can conceive! For whatever reason we just haven't been able to bring home a baby yet. 

I heard more heartwarming adoption stories yesterday, and while I hope we will one day adopt, I really think we're called to wait right now. I worked weekly with babies in 2013, and now in 2014 I will be stepping back and not working as often. I'm a little nervous about not having a weekly "baby fix", but I am confident now God is calling me to wait in rest. I've been working while I wait, and I'm great at that, but sometimes we need to just draw close to Him and wait. I hope 2014 will bring a new baby into our home. I hope I can watch my husband father a son or daughter. I hope I can give my in-laws the grandchild they desire. Above all else, I hope I can continue to praise God while I'm waiting. I hope when my flesh fails, the Spirit carries me through. 

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