Monday, September 30, 2013

Tattoos, Tombstones, Trinkets and Trust

Before we buried William we spent a few days looking for things to place in the casket with him. Talk about a strange shopping trip! I don't remember everything we bought, but here's a sample:

  • STL Cardinal's blanket (for Shaun)
  • Batman dog tag (Batman for my dad, dog tag for Shaun)
  • Auntie bib (for my sister)
  • Lamb (for my grandma)
  • Teardrop pin (for me, I have the keychain and card that go with it)
  • I AM LOVED pin (we distributed these at the funeral. I hand them out in memory of a friend in Heaven)
My keychain is so special to me. Unfortunately it fell off a couple months after I bought it. I have the heart in my purse with the card. For Christmas last year Shaun bought me a heart necklace engraved with William Christopher and angel wings above it. I wore it every day for six months. Then the heart started to wear out and my neck broke out. I desperately want a trinket that I can always reach for. Unfortunately I doubt this will happen with my allergies.

William is buried next to two other babies from our church. One family miscarried theirs at 16 weeks like us, the other was stillborn at 20 weeks. When we first visited William's grave I saw the little white name card by the first grave and felt like a failure. How could I forget to ask about a marker? How could I assume something would be there? An aunt gave us a beautiful statue that rests there, but there's nothing to identify William. Earlier this year the family with the stillborn was able to place a tombstone there. I know we can't afford that. I don't know how much it would cost, but with our limited budget I know it's not going to happen anytime soon. I wish I could. There was so much I wanted to give William, so much I wanted to do with and for him. I can't do any of it. I wish I could at least give him a tombstone. I wish I had the courage to call the funeral home and ask about a paper marker. 

When my trinkets kept breaking I slowly began considering a tattoo. I know there are all sorts of opinions on Christians and tattoos, and I DON'T CARE. I hope someday I can have a tattoo somewhere discreet and small to represent William. Somewhere I can touch it easily and always feel him close to me. I'm terrified of needles, and like I said, we don't have any money, so it probably won't happen soon. 

I'm learning a lot about trust. Obviously not enough, because God keeps giving me chances to trust Him. In the last year I've learned to accept I have no control over my family's health or size, when we have kids or if we do, and I've learned to trust through a variety of job changes. Every time I get comfortable, God shakes things up a bit again. My heart longs for peace, for something to be still in the chaos. I'm trusting God will continue to use these situations for good, for His glory. I'm trusting that He watches the sparrow, and He will provide for my family. 

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