Thursday, February 19, 2015

Midnight Musings

Please excuse any grammatical errors or typos; I'm doing the best I can for 4 AM. I've been up almost two hours, and sleep keeps eluding me, so I thought I'd write.

All day yesterday I wanted to write this post. I kept putting it off because I had too many kids running around and I didn't want to cry in front of them. It looks like today is going to be the same way, so I may as well write now. Of course the irony is I no longer plan on writing what I wanted to earlier.

Yesterday was HARD. There's no other word for it. I nearly lost my breakfast while loading kids in the car. This nausea has been ever present and nothing seems to permanently alleviate it. All I could wrap my brain around were the similarities between this pregnancy and the two I lost. I was constantly nauseous with both those pregnancies. I was rarely nauseous with Hope, and most of that was in the second trimester. I only got sick once, and I haven't been able to eat fruit topped pancakes at Denny's since. She still hates strawberries. I try so hard to remember everything about her pregnancy so I can compare this one to it, but it's been so long I've forgotten most of it. With this incessant nausea I've been terrified of losing this one. When we were joking about the possibility of pregnancy in December I actually told Shaun "At least if I am pregnant we know we won't keep it. I don't get to keep the babies I'm nauseous with." He glared at me and told me to stop it, and I did. He's reminded me continually that I have nothing to worry about. When I talked to him about my fears in the car yesterday, he quickly squelched them. He asked "What happened to your attitude from yesterday that 'Every pregnancy is different,' and 'Lots of women are sick throughout their pregnancies and have healthy babies'?" I told him I know, by that point I was doing much better emotionally, it was just a rough morning. I really believe God is taking me to a whole new level of trusting Him. I have to trust that this pregnancy can share similarities with the two bad ones and still have a happy ending.

We're in the last week of the first trimester. By most counts, we're almost in the 'safe' zone. Our families won't breathe a sigh of relief until they hold a healthy baby, but many fears will be eased when we make it past 16 weeks. When we lost William I was going to the doctor once a month. With this one, my first two appointments are a mere two weeks apart. This is so much better for me, because for years I've suspected we lost William between 12-14 weeks. The doctor counted it based on how far along I was at the time of delivery, but if you look at him you can tell he wasn't as developed as he should've been. Needless to say I've been praying non stop for the past week or so, and will continue to for the next two weeks (or maybe for the rest of the pregnancy). I'm almost afraid to breathe a sigh of relief, because with William I did when we saw his eight week ultrasound. I was so sure we would bring him home. I'm so afraid of getting comfortable and happy during this pregnancy, and ending with another funeral.

My small group leader encouraged all of us to choose a word for 2015 instead of resolutions. After much prayer I chose the word "Joy". I figured if I was pregnant, it would come easily, and if I wasn't, it would be good for me to practice joy. I know I picked the perfect word, because I'm struggling to keep choosing joy this year. I vividly remember a friend telling me last time "Don't let Satan steal your joy". And I clung to that through William's pregnancy. This time around, my fear is crippling. I know there's a quiet song with the phrase "My fear is crippling" in it, but I can't remember it right now. What keeps coming to mind is Rebecca St. James' version of "Hold Me Jesus". I know Rich Mullins wrote it, but this is the version that got me through high school. I need Bible verses about joy to spread around my house. If you have a favorite, please share it. I've found a few, but I know there are more and better ones than what I'm coming up with. I'm trying everyday to choose joy. Thank you for your continued words of encouragement and prayer, I definitely need them. There are moments when fears creep up and someone will come to mind. I'll think, "_____ is praying for me. She has faith we'll make it through this. Borrow some of her faith", and it gets me through the fear. I see your profile pictures in my head. I memorize your comments and think of them in your voice. I know it's all gonna be okay, I just have to get through the next six months.

Don't think I'm completely hopeless and depressed! I'm finding little ways to choose joy everyday. We take a weekly pregnancy picture. I only got a couple with William, and I don't even have them anymore (camera phone problems). We have our names chosen. We've talked a little bit about nursery decor. I'm constantly walking around the house listing things that need to change before the baby arrives. I don't want to sound hopeless, it's just some days are harder than others. I want to look back on the excitement and anticipation with this pregnancy. I want to have happy memories to share with this baby. It just takes a whole lot more work for me than most people.

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