Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Midnight Musings

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. I'm torn between "Holy cow, I'm still pregnant?" and "Oh my gosh, we're actually going to bring this baby home!" Some days I'm afraid will be the last, others I'm able to embrace the changes that are coming. She's moving like crazy, so you'd think I'd be secure, but I'm not. My faith has been stretched to new limits this pregnancy; it's by the grace of God we're still here. I'm thankful for each and every day we have with her, but some days I'm still terrified I'll wake up from this dream and something will go wrong.

There's three other women in my church who are expecting (two are in my small group!) and I pray for our babies everytime I see them. I can't believe God is allowing me to be pregnant during our 'Baby Boom'. I should've had the first baby during the last one, but we didn't make it. I keep thinking of the book of Job. There were three women who lost their babies in 2012, and there are six babies due in 2015. When Job lost everything and remained faithful, God doubled everything he lost in the end.

Shaun, on the other hand, is entirely ready for the baby. We've watched a series of birth DVDs, and since we finished last week I can see a change in his attitude. Before he was excited, but almost observing from the outside. Now he's feeling her move more, watching my belly, and talking about when she arrives. The change almost feels surreal, but it's helping me believe we will bring her home. I asked him last week "You're ready for her, aren't you?" and he exclaimed "I've BEEN ready! I can't wait to hold her." If I didn't know the health problems she'd face coming now, I'd probably be ready too! I want her to stay safe and sound inside me as long as she's safe and sound.

She's moving a little bit right now. It seems like she's always moving. Occasionally her nighttime kicks cause nausea! I don't remember Hope having that effect! Hope felt her kick for the first time recently. She's seen my belly move now, too. She asked today if she'll stay with Nana (my mom) while we're in the hospital. My mom lives on the same street as us, so there's no question that's where she'll stay. I need to get my church nursery shifts covered for September, but I keep putting it off. I'm wracking my brain trying to remember how long other moms took off church duties after their babies arrived, and I can't remember at all. I don't want to take too much time and appear lazy, but I don't want to take too little and have to work before I'm ready. I need to pray about it, but for some reason I haven't thought of that.

Shaun took his last week of vacation before she arrives last week. It was nice having him here to help with the daycare kids. His vacation just switched over to a new year, so he now has two weeks he can take right after she arrives and a third week he can take sometime next spring or summer. He was never able to take vacation time as a crew member or assistant manager, so when he started taking it as a manager I was frustrated we couldn't actually GO on vacation. Now I'm just thankful to have him home for a week. I wish there was a way for the three of us to get away even for a weekend before the baby arrives, but I don't see how it would be possible. There's so much else we have to save for.

So many things are coming together; we have a bunch of furniture, she has a dresser full of clothes, and we even have a car seat! Those are the things that make me nervous. What if something happens and we're left with all that stuff? All the reminders of our hopes and dreams? There are other ways we're not close to being ready; we don't have room in our room for the co-sleeper, her room is still in transition mode (and I'm not sure how to finish it...), and I still have a truck that can't hold her for at least the first two years. When I think about all we have left to do and our crazy summer schedule, I'm afraid we'll never finish in time. The big items scare me the most. Things we still need but I'm not sure how we'll manage:

1. A queen size bed
2. A second vehicle that can safely transport her
3. A washer and dryer (I have all the cloth diapers we could possibly need, but no way to wash them! Yikes!)

Okay, I've been awake for over an hour and I only have a little over an hour left to sleep. I'm going to try to get some rest. There will be another update next Monday or Tuesday after my doctor appointment. Please say a prayer that my glucose test comes back normal. God bless!

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