Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Choosing Faith Over Fear

Some days I wonder how I've made it this far. Some nights I go to bed worrying so much about the next day, I'm terrified to fall asleep because I don't want to wake up. Every day I have a choice to make: Fear or Faith? Each presents its own challenges. I would love to tell you I choose faith more often, but would that be honest?

We've been "not preventing" pregnancy for close to a year and a half, and we're no closer than we were a year ago. I don't cry everyday of my monthly anymore, but there are still days when my heart just breaks. I made a list of the pregnant moms I know and started praying for them. I can't believe I've been doing that for almost a year now! I'm happy to pray for them, and it has helped me to take the focus off getting pregnant, but there are some announcements that cause me to look at the ceiling and say "Really God? Really?" My list is a mixture of happy families, broken marriages, women who never wanted kids and women who have struggled to have "just one more". I love each of these young women, and I've enjoyed praying for each of them. I'll be honest, when I started praying daily part of me hoped I would conceive shortly afterwards. God had other plans.

I want to be "better". I want to be "normal" again. I haven't tracked periods, cervical fluid or any other conception topics in forever. I've prayed again and again that God would have control of my pregnancies. If I'm not going to have another baby, that's fine. I just want PEACE with that decision. I don't have peace. I'm not pregnant. What am I missing? I've tried so hard to rid my life of my many sins, and each time I ask forgiveness for one, God shows me another. As soon as I'm comfortable with a current situation, at work or at home, at church or in my relationships with non-believers, God shakes it up.

Today I continue to trust that God has a plan. His plans are bigger than my dreams. I have faith THIS IS NOT THE END. Someday, God will give me peace with my princess here and two blessings in Heaven, or He will grow our family in the way He sees fit.

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