Dark/Light

Before I forget, here's the link to Project Heal. If you would like to join me on this journey, you're more than welcome. You don't have to post it publicly, and you can start today with day one. It's your journey.

Day 14: Dark/Light-- I've had periods of deep darkness over the past two years. My most recent one was about a month ago, when I wrote a blog that I was immediately unhappy with. My darkest moments are usually around my period, or when a slew of friends have babies at once. It's even worse when both happen together. During my periods of darkness I try to find songs to help me through. Unfortunately I find it very hard to read books then, so there's big gaps in my book logs.

The light has come when I crawl out of the darkness. Those days in between cycles, when everything feels possible and normal, that's when I'm in the light. In some ways those days are just as challenging, because I know the darkness is never far away. It's never gone completely. I long for the joys of Heaven where there's no darkness, no pain, and no tears. It's so strange to always miss a piece of your heart.

This was my attempt at a sunrise pic this morning. The sun didn't cooperate and I never was able to get a good shot. Surprisingly you can see more color in the picture than in real life. I'm sure there's an allegory there...

Project Heal

I'm trying really hard this year to follow Carly Marie's Project Heal. To keep myself committed, I will be posting the updates on my blog daily for the rest of the month. I know I'm a little late, but better late than never, right? I'll list days 1-13 tonight, and do the rest (hopefully!) as I go. Prayers are appreciated during this time.

Day 1: Sunrise-- I haven't been able to take a photo of this yet. I'm setting my alarm tonight and praying the rain will stop long enough for me to snap a picture in the morning.

Day 2: Heart-- This is the heart picture I drew. Not my best, but I'm just learning to express myself through sketching. 

Who were you before your children died? I was a young, carefree mom. I tried to find a balance between protecting my daughter and letting her spread her wings. I felt anything was possible. What did you love about that person? I loved her zest for life and passion for God. She wouldn't let anyone or anything stand in her way of praising Him. Did you dislike anything? Who doesn't dislike things about themselves? Do you see your life as before and after or do you see yourself as always been changing? I see my life as pre-Jason and post-Jason. Jason's death (on my eighteenth birthday) was the end of my childhood. I was ushered into adulthood through grief, and though he was only a friend, I feel it prepared me for the grief to come. I'm still learning to grieve for all the friends and family who've gone before me. 

Day 4: Now-- I try very hard to stay behind the camera. This is a rare selfie after a fresh haircut and a little weight loss. Who are you now in this present moment? I'm a mom trying to figure out how to grieve my babies while raising the gift I have. I'm learning what it means to be a Biblical wife, and how to serve God in many ways. What are you feeling? Excitement for what lies ahead. I don't know what it is, but I'm confident positive changes are coming. Have you been irrevocably changed by the death of your children? Absolutely! I'm more aware that every second with our children is significant, in the womb and out. How are you different now? I notice family sizes. I notice age gaps in children. I'm trying not to be judgemental of families who have chosen a number of children to have. I'm learning who I am in Christ, and how to embrace being a child of the King. Do you love anything about the new you? I love my awareness of the world around me. People, places, animals, everything! What do you want to become? I want to be confident as a mom and wife. I want to be a good sister, daughter, daughter-in-law and sister-in-law. 

Day 5: Journal-- I'm working on a poem. I'll post it when I'm done. 

Day 6: Books-- Here are the links to the books that impacted me the most. Click on the title to see the Amazon listing. Not affiliate links.

Why?

Choosing to See

James: Mercy Triumphs

I Will Carry You

Day 7: Do you have a special place that you visit to “be” with your children? A place that you feel connected to? Maybe it is their grave, or a beautiful garden, beach or forest. What does this place mean to you? Why that place? I don't have a special place, other than William's grave. I've considered setting up a nook in a spare room in our house, but I haven't been able to make it work yet. Whenever I'm on a trip (a rare occassion!) I try to find a quiet place to retreat in the morning. I wish I could find someplace local. I don't like going to his grave very much; it makes me feel guilty for not having a marker there. 

Day 8: Resource-- I had a sweet friend who drove the hour from our hometown to be with me in the hospital. Her husband talked and prayed with Shaun while she talked and prayed with me. She was there for me in the first eighteen months after like no one else. I will forever be thankful for her prayers and presence. There are many women who continue to lift me up in prayer and listen whenever I need an ear, and I'm thankful for them as well. We've reached out to March of Dimes and try to walk every year. I've also found great solace in the MEND publications. 

Day 9: A New Memory-- Hobby, activity, organization, something in memory of your child. While I've dabbled in a few things, I haven't found 'the one' thing yet to keep my memory of my children alive and keep me focused on the positive. I'm strongly considering journaling (if I can commit to it and find the inspiration. Ugh...) or coloring mandalas (if I could get the supplies). I haven't been able to stick with anything yet. I'm open to suggestions. I think I might do better if I had a partner, so if you'd like to start something together, let me know!

Day 10: Support-- I feel like I've touched on this so many times. One surprising source of support (to me) was my husband's family. Getting married is hard, and living far away from relatives makes building relationships more difficult. Shaun's family has been a great source of strength and comfort, and for that I'll be forever grateful. My family has also been supportive of all my endeavors. They've put up with my bad attitude more frequently than I would care to admit. One of my sisters even accompanied me to a support group. It doesn't get much more supportive than that!

Day 11: Altar-- The closest thing I have to an altar is my teddy bear (William) sitting on top of my makeshift dresser. He's sandwiched between two old American Girl dolls, so I don't really consider it an altar to him. I don't like the idea of an 'altar' per say, but I wouldn't mind a memorial garden or something in my backyard. I talked for a while about painting snus containers with words that have helped me since losing William, but I couldn't get the wrapping off them easily and I gave up. I would like to paint rocks or something similar to place in my yard. Maybe someday.

Day 12: Music-- There were amazing songs that helped me through losing William. In the hospital we listened to "Blessings", "Long Way Home", and a Ginny Owens song that I can't place now. That's frustrating. In church we've sung so many songs about going deeper and wandering farther, trusting God to lead the way. The songs that mean the most to me are the ones that talk about God carrying us through the crisis, or helping us to endure the storms. There are so many I really can't name them all. Music has been a great solace. I love it so much. One non-Christian song that has helped is "Firework" by Katy Perry. Sometimes you just need to hear that you're amazing. Another random song is "Reflection" from the Disney movie Mulan. I love Disney movies anyway, and I've always found that song encouraging. 

Day 13: SEASON. What season to you associate with your children? Summer. Is it the season that they died in? Yes. Or maybe another reason like a beautiful time you spent together. What emotions arise in you when that season comes around? I get fearful as we approach William's birthday. It's also Shaun's grandma's birthday and Hope's is two days after, so I feel pressured to do everything right. This year I tried to have a normal day, and I don't think I'll ever do that again. You can't have a normal day on the day your child died, no matter how hard you try. What is it in that season that triggers memories and feelings for you? The holidays trigger most of my emotions. We found out we were pregnant around Easter, so as happy as the holiday is, for me there's a deep sadness as well. I spent the Fourth of July with friends knowing I would give birth to a dead baby in the next day or two. Surprisingly that holiday went well this year, but I think that's because Shaun was there and we celebrated it differently than we ever have before. We served with our church. Maybe I need to find a way to serve on William's birthday. It's a thought. Do you look forward to this season because you feel more connected to your children or do you dread it? I absolutely dread every single holiday, associated with William or not. It's a reminder how small my family is, how insignificant I am, and how everything could be better. I hate holidays (Note: Yes, I know these thoughts and opinions are irrational. I work very hard each day at not succumbing to my fears. Some days I'm better than others.). Have you ever wondered what you could do to ease the fear of what that season brings up for you? Sort of. Shaun and I have talked about it a bit. I think changing things up and not always seeing the same people on the same day helps. 

Wow. That caught me up completely. I'm a little afraid to put all this out there, but that's also why I started this blog. I want moms to know they're not alone. Grief is messy, and it's a long process. If I offended anyone in writing this, I'm truly sorry. Thanks for reading.

Oh my goodness, I almost forgot! I've been praying to see a real rainbow after every thunderstorm since William died. I've seen a few, but it's been well over a year since I saw the last one. On the way home tonight, we saw a full DOUBLE RAINBOW!!! What an amazing reminder that God keeps his promises! 

Celebrating William and Trusting God

Earlier this month we finally celebrated William's birthday as a family. Hope expressed interest in celebrating him again, so we set a date on the calendar and did it. We planned to watch a movie and eat Tropical Sno. A few days before, Shaun picked up a special cheesecake from the grocery store. The night before we raced around to multiple Redboxes looking for Heaven is for Real (my suggestion), God's Not Dead (Hope's suggestion), The Amazing Spider-Man (Shaun) and The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (Shaun). We also grabbed Son of God to round off our movie weekend. We spent the better part of two days watching movies and celebrating. Shaun pulled out the cheesecake and placed two candles on it. We sang "Happy Birthday" and blew them out together. It was a wonderful, sweet time.

I'm still struggling with God. I don't understand why she can get pregnant, and she can, and she can have four babies she hates, and she can....and I can't. I'm completely terrified I've done something so horrible God will never bless us with another child. I made a new friend who also had two miscarriages (before having any children) and now has two daughters who are 20 years apart. Yes, TWENTY! In one breath I praise God for reminding me not to give up hope and beg him not to make me wait that long. When it comes to trusting God for another baby, I still can't do it. I'm still angry at him for taking William. I've seen him answer so many other prayers, but when it comes to giving us a family, I sincerely think my words bounce off the ceiling. Everything is changing right now. I know there are a million and one reasons why we shouldn't have a baby right now. I could also rattle off a dozen or more moms with more babies than they can handle, who also 'shouldn't' have had babies when they did. WHY DOES GOD TRUST THEM AND NOT ME??? What's wrong with me? Why does he make me wait? Doesn't he realize that every day, every month I wait I grow more and more impatient? I'm not growing closer to Him. I'm not learning to trust him. I'm lost and confused, and feel completely alone.

A few months ago on Pinterest I saw the quote "She's standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more she can take." I feel like that's where I've been for the past two years. I've questioned my faith, my sanity, God's sovereignty, and every aspect of our lives. I've picked apart every detail, trying to figure out what God's thinking. I've prayed and 'given it up' time and time again, only to 'pick it back up' when my next period starts. This third year is already off to a bad start. One of these days it has to get better. There's sunshine somewhere, just not here.

Two Years?

It's been two years since William was born. I've been thinking and praying about this post all day, and I'm sure it won't be anything like I planned. I say that because I planned a conversation with Shaun today, and it didn't turn out how I wanted.

What did I do today? I tried to make it as normal a day as possible. That was a dumb idea. I wish I could go back a few weeks and PLAN something. I now know I need to keep my mind busy on July 7. I learned today is National Chocolate Day, so hopefully next year someone will send me chocolates (or I'll raid Casey's the night before...). I also learned it's Psych Day, since Psych premiered on this day. Maybe next year we'll have a Psych marathon. Hope loves the show now, so it's possible.

Here's what I thought would happen: I would sleep in a little (check), take a shower (check), blast some music while catching up on dishes (check), head to the library (check) listen to some Sherlock Holmes (check) and hopefully finish a book before Shaun came home (nope). Then Shaun and I would go out to William's grave, maybe say a prayer or a few words, get some Tropical Sno and come home and cuddle.

I did not anticipate crying like a baby all morning, passing out to an episode of Enterprise, and arguing with Shaun. Emotions ran high today, and I apparently do not have the self-control I thought I possessed. I wish I could take away my desire for more children. I wish I knew how to wait for things that aren't tangible. I wish I had more patience. I desperately wish one of my friends called me today. I wish someone sent flowers, or a card, or even a text message to say they were thinking of me. I received a phone call from one family member last night, and one from one of her friends this morning. That's it. I can't really blame my friends, Shaun practically forgot last night. Still, it would've been nice to hear something...

I still feel so alone. It's completely my fault. I cry and cry and cry until I push away everyone who wants to help. I'm still stuck in a puddle of tears because I have no clue where God wants me to go or what I'm supposed to do. Since William died I've lost a job, gained a position in the church nursery, watched my husband grow leaps and bounds as a spiritual leader, and learned to wait and trust God. Well, I'm still working on the last two. I thought the first year was the worst, I didn't know how I would survive (I give all the credit to God & Shaun). The second year was worse in some ways, because everyone expected me to be 'over' it and was less willing to listen to me. Standing over his grave last year, I felt a total peace and was confident we wouldn't get pregnant again this year. I was completely okay with that. When my hormones would try to lead, Shaun and I would talk and my thoughts about not getting pregnant were confirmed. I didn't have that today. All I've felt today is a sense of urgency, and a fear that if I don't get pregnant this year, I never will. I know there's no truth in that. So instead of believing the lies, I'm going to spend each day working on one of the goals we've set before we try for a baby. There are six, and several I can work on by myself. I know we will have the right children at the right time. If all our names are used by family before we have the chance, oh well. We're so stubborn we'll probably use them anyway. If we only have one more and end up raising two 'only' children, oh well. Only children are resourceful and independent. If Hope is our only one, that's fine. We're doing the best we can with her. I have to remember 'not now' doesn't mean 'not ever'. Prayers appreciated this year.

M.E.N.D.

I can't sleep again, so I've been scrolling through Facebook. One of my friends posted a picture of her stillborn daughter, and I paused, thinking it was an image from a friend who's daughter should be celebrating a birthday. No, this image is new. The grief is fresh. The friend is different. I know of at least four stillbirths in the last 20 years, and countless, countless miscarriages. I commend the brave women who post pictures of their precious babies, I can't bring myself to post any of mine. Maybe it's because William was so young, so tiny. To some he would barely look human, and I fear the criticism. Maybe it's because I've seen so many pictures of developing babies, and from his I don't think he looks 'normal', which would bring out other critics. Maybe I just don't want to relive the grief, or cause others more pain. Whatever my reason, I applaud the women who choose to post pictures. Thank you for doing what I can't.

Earlier this month I attended my first M.E.N.D. meeting. I hope to attend more through the years, and I'm looking for something closer to home to join. This group won't start a chapter in a town with fewer than 3 major hospitals, but I know there have to be other groups out there. I just have to find them. Talking about my experiences in a safe environment brought so much peace, even almost two years later. Hearing from women who are ten and twenty years out was incredibly encouraging. I wish I could start a group around here. Even though we're a small town, there's a large number of miscarriages and stillbirths.

I wish I could wrap my arms around each of the grieving moms I know. Some only carried their babies for a few weeks, others were allowed years to raise them. It doesn't matter how brief the life was, each of these children has made an impact. Each one is precious. If you know an expectant mom, take time to pray for & encourage her today. Let her know she's important. Let her & the dad know they are parents, even if their only child hasn't taken a breath yet. This Father's Day, take time to recognize all the important men in your life, not just the fathers. Miscarriage and stillbirth were taboo for many years, so chances are you know more men who've experienced it than you think.

If you buried a child without telling anyone, I want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Your child matters. Your grief matters. Your peace with their life matters. The next time you hear of a woman suffering like you, please tell her about your experience. She will find comfort in knowing you've survived so many years later.

Take heart, grieving mom, you are not alone.

Big Changes Over a LONG Time

I went to my women's Bible study tonight, and was blown away by how much my life has changed in the two years since I started going. I joined the group in January 2012, and I was a quiet, shy mom hoping for another baby. Tonight I left a little more outspoken (not necessarily a good thing) and CONTENT with the princess I have the pleasure of raising, and the two precious ones waiting for me in Heaven. I'm finally, FINALLY at a place of total peace. I don't feel the need to grow my family. I'm making peace with the scale, and I've made changes in my eating habits and exercise. It's been almost two years since I was pregnant, and it doesn't look like I'll have another baby anytime soon, and I'm completely okay with that. 

I can see how God used William. William drew his daddy back to the church. William forced me to grieve over my cousins who died years before. Losing William led me to some dark places, where God found me and led me out. It allowed me to open myself up to new friendships, to pour my heart out to women I'd barely spoken to before. Losing William gave me a reason to stand up for the unborn, both those who are aborted and those who die of natural causes. We're participating in the March of Dimes again this year (please click the link and donate to our little team! Or join us in the walk!), I'm going to a miscarriage support group, and I plan on once again participating in our local pro-life walk later this year. Nothing major, just a bunch of little places where I can see God working. 

As I'm writing, little thoughts of doubt keep running through my head. Easter is close, and that's when we found out I was pregnant. Will I be an emotional mess again this year? Will I still trust when I don't see the physical changes I want in my body, whether they're working towards a fitness goal or working towards a pregnancy? My answer: I am controlled by the Holy Spirit, not my emotions. I can trust that my Father has a greater plan for me, and he can use me even in my doubts. 

This song is one of several we listened to while in the hospital waiting for William to be born. In 2008, Steven Curtis Chapman's adopted daughter was hit by a vehicle driven by one of his sons. She was killed instantly. About two weeks later my cousin's six-year-old son went to bed and never woke up. He was perfectly healthy and his death has been classified as SUDC. I probably would've followed Steven's family's journey through grief anyway, but I know I paid close attention after Evan died. I heard this song while I was carrying William, and cried singing it for what seemed forever. When we were in the hospital, I had to share it with my family there. I'm sure you've heard it before, but close your eyes and listen again. Keep on, we're gonna make it. It's just a long way home.

The Next Chapter

     Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted! There are reasons for that, but they're too personal to go into here. I do have a couple of updates I can share, though.
   
     Shortly after burying William I began searching for miscarriage support online. I have several friends who were incredibly supportive in the days and weeks immediately following, but no one really knew how to help me beyond that. They prayed for months (some of them are still praying!), but they didn't really know what else to do. Their journey through grief was different from mine in so many ways. So like millions, I turned to the internet. I found M.E.N.D. at just the right time. Their bi-monthly newsletters were encouraging and just what I needed. Last month I received a letter telling me about a group starting "near" me in Schaumburg, Illinois. I live about six hours south of Schaumburg, but I have family who's lived there for decades and my sister is going to school there. I waited, prayed and talked to my husband before finally emailing the director. She graciously put me in touch with the head of the Schaumburg chapter. I emailed her at my first chance, but haven't heard back yet. I hope I can attend their first meeting and offer support and encouragement.

     I feel blessed to finally be at a place of peace. I don't know if Hope will be our only child, and I'm okay with that. I'm exercising and eating less, trying to lose all my depression weight, but for once I'm doing it because I want to be healthy, not because I think it'll get me pregnant. I still follow several adoption blogs, and pray that if that's where God wants us he will open the doors. I don't know what God has planned, but I know it is perfect.