When Getting Through is Enough

It's been a while since I've written. I know my last post was pretty depressing, so part of me was waiting for something really positive or inspirational to happen before I wrote again. My original intent in writing was to show a picture of what life is like when you're waiting on God, so not writing because I haven't heard anything is self-defeating.

So, what's it like to wait on God? Right now it's incredibly isolating. We've passed a few bugs around our house this year, and I have yet to go a full week disease-free. This has caused me to miss all my time in the church nursery, and miss my daily Bible study. I haven't been able to develop the workout routine I wanted, and my eating habits are just as horrible as last year (who WANTS to cook when they're sick?) I'm hopeful February will bring health and wealth, but I'm not holding my breath.

I know that I'm not the first woman to struggle with carrying a second baby to term, and I know I won't be the last. But right now all I really want is someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me it will be okay. I want a shoulder to cry on. I know I've needed that a lot these last few years, but waiting and continually not having answers is exhausting. Watching these friends arrange outings, those friends pop out baby after baby, and others disappear for their annual vacation while you're sitting at home cleaning house and attempting to make ends meet is frustrating. I've tried taking the occasional hiatus from social media, but that results in my missing out on important announcements. We don't know why I haven't carried a second baby to term. Yes, William had a chromosome disorder, but that didn't necessarily cause the miscarriage. Even if it did, by all estimates I should have conceived again by now. I know God is teaching me something right now, I just wish I knew what it was.

So until then I continue on. I keep going about the daily routine, putting a smile on as often as I can, and reminding myself THIS IS NOT THE END. She knows how her story will end, and she has her happy ending, but those ladies waited just like I am. Now, for today's mission: If you've experienced something that changed you; a miscarriage, the death of a parent. divorce; anything that left you staring at the ceiling asking "Why, God?" find a woman in your circle to share it with. Don't assume everyone knows, someone may not. Find someone who is walking a road eerily similar to yours, and pray with her and for her. Remind her that her story isn't finished. Send her a card or take her out for coffee once in a while. I know I'm not the only woman in the world who feels alone. Shed a ray of hope into someone else's storm. God bless and good night.

Choosing Faith Over Fear

Some days I wonder how I've made it this far. Some nights I go to bed worrying so much about the next day, I'm terrified to fall asleep because I don't want to wake up. Every day I have a choice to make: Fear or Faith? Each presents its own challenges. I would love to tell you I choose faith more often, but would that be honest?

We've been "not preventing" pregnancy for close to a year and a half, and we're no closer than we were a year ago. I don't cry everyday of my monthly anymore, but there are still days when my heart just breaks. I made a list of the pregnant moms I know and started praying for them. I can't believe I've been doing that for almost a year now! I'm happy to pray for them, and it has helped me to take the focus off getting pregnant, but there are some announcements that cause me to look at the ceiling and say "Really God? Really?" My list is a mixture of happy families, broken marriages, women who never wanted kids and women who have struggled to have "just one more". I love each of these young women, and I've enjoyed praying for each of them. I'll be honest, when I started praying daily part of me hoped I would conceive shortly afterwards. God had other plans.

I want to be "better". I want to be "normal" again. I haven't tracked periods, cervical fluid or any other conception topics in forever. I've prayed again and again that God would have control of my pregnancies. If I'm not going to have another baby, that's fine. I just want PEACE with that decision. I don't have peace. I'm not pregnant. What am I missing? I've tried so hard to rid my life of my many sins, and each time I ask forgiveness for one, God shows me another. As soon as I'm comfortable with a current situation, at work or at home, at church or in my relationships with non-believers, God shakes it up.

Today I continue to trust that God has a plan. His plans are bigger than my dreams. I have faith THIS IS NOT THE END. Someday, God will give me peace with my princess here and two blessings in Heaven, or He will grow our family in the way He sees fit.

When You Feel Like Quitting...

There are days when I wonder, is it worth it? What am I waiting for? We could start the adoption process in many countries right now, and have a newborn before our daughter turns ten. How fantastic would that be? It wouldn't, because that's not God's plan for us. He's calling us (me specifically) to wait and to trust His timing. 

A sweet friend gave me a new devotional for my birthday in November. I wasn't reading it everyday, but I've been fairy consistent this year. It's called 365 Pocket Prayers for Women, and you can buy it here. Today's entry was about quitting, and I was reminded of a few things. 

1) I need endurance. Parenting has been compared to a marathon, and is not for the faint of heart. It will take all the skills I have, and many I don't realize I have, to care for another newborn. This time of waiting is teaching me to hold on, and press forward even when I don't see the finish line. 

2) If I give up now, I will miss the joy of reaching my goal, and the blessing of serving Him in the meantime. I don't know how many people read or care about my blog or anything I do on Facebook. At the end of the day all that matters is did I point people to Him? If not, then it was all in vain. My goal is still to bring home a healthy baby from the hospital. There is no reason why my husband & I shouldn't be able to do that. I firmly believe that is God's will for us, and right now we just have to wait. Oh it sounds so easy when I see it in print, but surviving the day to day can be so difficult. 

3) We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair... We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you... That is why we never give up. 

2 Corinthians 4:8, 14, 16

Your challenge is different than mine. I don't have any answers for how to deal with yours. I don't even have any answers for how to deal with mine, I'm just telling you what I'm trying. Some days I think it's working, then other days I doubt it because the tears won't stop flowing. No matter what I feel, I know in my heart God loves me and He has a plan for me. He feels the same way about you. Will you trust him today? 

This song was on my heart as I began writing today. Enjoy. 

 

Encourage One Another

As Christians we are called to do many things. Uplift each other in prayer, bless those who persecute us, be slow to anger, among countless other teachings. I started this blog hoping to encourage others who are struggling with "planning" their families. Now, I'm asking for your help.

Each month I wait the tears are fewer and the pain lessens a bit. I know God is calling me to be still and wait right now, two things I'm horrible at. As I look over my calendar for 2014 and how quickly it's filling up, my heart breaks a little because I don't know how long I have to wait. Today is one of those "take it one day at a time" days. Sometimes it's still minute by minute. I've been snowbound and alone for most of the last two days, and I've had plenty of time to fear the future. Here's the thing: I know I don't need to fear the future. I know God is already there, and He's got great plans for my family. But it still hurts now. I decided to sort through a box of paperwork and found a mountain of sympathy cards from William. My heart still breaks, because it doesn't feel like we've come any further in building our family. We love each other, and we trust God's will, but we don't have any assurance that things will change.

Here's how you can help: Most of our country was blanketed with snow over the weekend. Many moms are pulling their hair out as they eagerly wait to return their children to school. Many elderly are alone and afraid to ask for help. If you can safely leave your house and help someone, please do today. Watch the little ones so mom can take a nap (or just play Candy Crush!). Take a loaf of bread to your elderly neighbor, and ask if there's anything else you can do. If you can't leave your home or are blessed to be away from this mess, send someone you've seen struggling a Facebook message or text. Better yet, mail a card of encouragement. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, Dollar General sells cute ones for less than a buck. Take some time and let someone know you're thinking of them.

If you have any stories of how God blessed someone you know after a LONG period of waiting, I would love to hear them! If you would like me to share their story on this blog, tell me. I can change any names or identifying information. If you don't expressly ask me to share it, I won't.

Remember this year: Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:11

New Year

This post is probably going to go several different directions, so please bear with me.

2012 was the worst year for our family. We buried a son, and with him many hopes and dreams of what could be. I was very depressed for the last half of the year, and living with me was no easy task. As the year closed, I was thankful to survive and looked forward to the hope of a new start. I truly believed God would give us a baby in 2013. I found a Pinterest post about a Blessings Jar and decided our family should start one for the new year. I used an old Gatorade jar and we began filling it with little slips of paper, counting our blessings.

I've taken several pictures throughout the year, but this is the only one I can find right now. As you can see, it's almost full! We can't wait to open it up tomorrow night and literally count our blessings! I'm going to play the old hymn, and we're going to write them down in a notebook so we can look back over the years at the ways God has blessed us. I will admit we weren't perfect at keeping up with the jar. There were many months when it was literally lost in the chaos, and many times we would write five or more blessings at once. If you decide to incorporate a Blessings Jar in your life, take comfort in knowing there is no right or wrong way to do it. Have fun!

So 2013 didn't turn out the way I'd hoped, we don't have a baby and there is no indication our family will be growing anytime soon. I'm not going to say I'm okay with that, because in my heart I still want another baby. But I know God's timing is best. Everything works out for His glory. A few months ago I made a visual reminder of this truth. The women's ministry at my church takes trips to Pottery Hollow, a place where you can paint pottery. The first time I went I made a plate for Hope with a Bible verse that has her name in it and has encouraged me through the years. The second time I really wanted to make something for myself. I chose a coffee mug (to drink my morning tea in) and searched my Pinterest boards for the right quote. I finally settled on this one:

"Faith in God includes faith in His timing"

When I showed my small group leader, Amy, what I was making, she practically jumped with excitement. "And just think, every day while you're drinking your tea and having your quiet time, you can have this as a reminder that God isn't finished with you!" Amy is amazing. I made it in early November (or late October...can't remember which) and as the pictures show, it's already begun to chip. There's a huge chunk of paint off the handle, and there were a few nicks in it when I got it. I wasn't really disappointed though. I knew I wanted to write a blog post about the potter and the clay, and I figured that would fit perfectly. I drink out of it almost every day, and it has been so encouraging to have a constant reminder that God's timing is perfect. 

So, what does 2014 hold? Shaun already has a promotion, so hopefully the bills and the paychecks will balance out. Hope will start her last year of elementary school in the fall. As for me, well, God knows. I plan on reading more books, and continuing my personal Bible studies. I'm hopeful we can watch less TV and eat healthier. Beyond that, I don't know what the future holds, but I know who's holding it. 

Hey Look, I Found a Rainbow

Not what you were expecting? Well, it wasn't what I was expecting, either. I saw this new magnet on Grandma Jo's fridge, and I had to smile. God DOES keep His promises! 

Isaiah 41:10 NIV
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I was searching for a verse this morning, and I think it's worded differently in another version than the two I have, so I was getting frustrated when I couldn't find the wording I want in the NIV or ESV. As I was searching my eyes caught this verse, and I think it is almost better suited for what I wanted to say today.

When we lost William, my world fell apart. I lived in a shadow for months. Looking back, it was the grace of God that allowed me to function and keep putting one foot in front of the other. There were days (early on) when I was thankful breathing is natural, because if I needed to remember it I would probably be dead. Or I would just give up. They say there is nothing worse than burying a child. Thankfully this was the closes I've come, but I'm confident "they" are right. 

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE I know who suffered a late miscarriage was able to conceive within the first four months following. They all kept telling me how confident they were we would have another baby, how they wouldn't have this child if they hadn't lost that one, and how everything would work out. I want to thank those people for taking a devastating situation and making it so much worse. I know they had the best intentions. I know they were just trying to comfort me. What they didn't understand was I only had two desires growing up: To have a large family and to have kids closer in age than my sister and me (eight and a half years). With each month, my chances of having both those dreams dwindled. While I'm hopeful that God will allow us to conceive and carry another baby to term, only HE knows how our story will end. I know the doctors insist there is nothing wrong and we should be able to have another child with no troubles, but even they don't know when it will happen.

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. (Romans 8:26-30)

The Spirit carried me through last year. Many times I prayed "God, I just don't have the words. Please listen to my heart." I was so broken. In the weeks before we learned of my pregnancy with William I posted Romans 8:28 on our bathroom mirror.  When I couldn't stand not being pregnant, I prayed that verse asking God to work my situation. When I finally tested positive, I was sure it was God saying "YES! Here's the baby you've been praying for." Little did I know a few months later those verses would be read over my son's grave. 

Infertility is a difficult experience. Even now my husband and I disagree with what to call our situation. Webster defines it as "not able to reproduce, not able to reproduce children, animals, etc." I have a child, so according to Shaun I'm not infertile. What I've tried to explain to him is that my experience is similar to secondary infertility, but still not the same. There isn't a word for what I struggle with. I would define it as "difficulty carrying a second baby to term." There's nothing that fits that description. We can conceive! For whatever reason we just haven't been able to bring home a baby yet. 

I heard more heartwarming adoption stories yesterday, and while I hope we will one day adopt, I really think we're called to wait right now. I worked weekly with babies in 2013, and now in 2014 I will be stepping back and not working as often. I'm a little nervous about not having a weekly "baby fix", but I am confident now God is calling me to wait in rest. I've been working while I wait, and I'm great at that, but sometimes we need to just draw close to Him and wait. I hope 2014 will bring a new baby into our home. I hope I can watch my husband father a son or daughter. I hope I can give my in-laws the grandchild they desire. Above all else, I hope I can continue to praise God while I'm waiting. I hope when my flesh fails, the Spirit carries me through. 

Merry Christmas

Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love celebrating my savior's birth. I've struggled with feeling the 'Christmas spirit' this year. I wasn't as weepy over William's due date as I was I was last year, but it was still a hard day. We haven't decorated or enjoyed most of our traditions, and that has made it difficult to feel 'Christmassy'.

I spent many years juggling work schedules and family parties. This is the first year in recent memory when we haven't had to do that. I never understood why people would be relieved to work on any holiday, as it just caused stress for us. This year I am thankful to be together, but I can see how any holiday can be heartbreaking.

Right now I'm sitting next to a bassinet purchased for William. Only two things were bought for him; one is a nursing cover I kept hoping we can use it someday, and the other is this bassinet Shaun's grandma bought and stored for us. She lives an hour and a half away, so this is only the second time I've seen it. Last year it brought me to tears and I hated to be near it. Today I was surprised and relieved to see it in the same corner. I was surprised she kept it. I'm so thankful it's here as a reminder William was important, and it's symbolic of the hope we have that one day it will hold our child. 

We've enjoyed making memories with our new Christmas Angel. I've read favorite stories with the child I watch, and Hope has read some new ones with me. Did this Christmas turn out the way I'd hoped or planned? Absolutely not. But I'm thankful for another holiday to spend with those I love. I'm thankful for another chance to celebrate my savior. I'm thankful for a child who knows the true meaning of Christmas, and doesn't expect piles of presents.

Merry Christmas!